12:13 a.m. | 2005-06-11
I Hope You'll Understand
I've spent the last day in a haze. Somewhere in between life and death, inhaling and exhaling, opened and closed. I've been hanging on, like a bad movie, to some edge of a cliff just hoping someone or something would either offer me a hand or step on my fingers.
I was working tonight when we got really really busy, things were going fabulously and I had just sold a $200 machine on the spot, I was running from place to place, singing and washing and going at warp speed. All of a sudden things in my vision actually got blurred. My feet started to ache back like they used to when I'd waitress or work two jobs and my head almost started to pound. I grabbed the sink I was washing at before I almost fell. I was trying to breathe, but unlike where you're choking and you feel like you can't take a breath in, I felt like I had forgotten.
I know it's in out, in out, but I can't seem to find a way to do it.
Tears started to well in my eyes and I stood up just in time to pull my head straight as a co-worker walked back. A single tear dripped down my cheek and I grabbed it quickly with my hand. Things went back to normal speed and nothing was muted in sound anymore but I was still having troubles. I was getting a trash bag when I almost had to sit on the floor and just stop what I was doing. I would be wiping a sink and would want to lay my head down next to it.
I haven't been this lethargic in months. I used to sleep 4 hours a night and be ok the next day, what's wrong with me?
That cliff I was hanging on? On the drive home I let go. My fingers just slipped from the edge, and I didn't even try to grasp for a better hold to save myself. I just gave up. Little did I know there was one of those outcroppings right below me. About two feet below me.
I started thinking about whether or not I was ok with the changes I had made recently (and honestly felt like I had no choice in making). I haven't even thought about Gabriel in a week. I used to get giddy at the possibility of him coming over. I didn't even notice he was online tonight.
I just started to think over things and finally come to terms with the fact that they happened, and I can only change what I will do, not what I did. I find this strange only because that's how I live most of the rest of my life, with an attitude of, 'darn, that sucked, but I guess I'll just have to move on.' But I've been dwelling on things for the past few weeks, and it isn't healthy.
I started to flirt with a guy this evening for the first time in a while. Sure being nice is part of my job, but being that nice isn't, and it felt kind of good until the very moment I felt him starting to get into me, and then I proceeded to back pedal just about as fast as I could. I saw him looking for me right before he and his group left as I just peered around from the back room. I suppose that one will just take time.
