10:05 a.m. | 2005-04-07
What About Breakfast at Tiffany's?
In the hustle and bustle of yesterday I felt something. I had been running around all morning, making appointments, re-grouting showers, following my schedule to the t. When I get into swings like this I just run with the momentum and keep going and it all feels so natural. But stopping it feels like a swing, where you're stopping but still going forward all at once.
I jumped off my "swing" as I passed a mirror. I walked backwards (literally) in a less harried pace than I had walked by and I faced myself.
I was amazed at what I saw and felt. I thought about how much I had accomplished today. Yesterday. This year. And it hit me. Yes, I am living in my parent's basement and working at one place and all that jazz. But in the process I have become one amazing person. Not something that was prompted by other people telling me that I did this well or carried that out perfectly or gave that demo better than anyone before...this came from me.
For once I felt that thing called, self confidence. Because I was able to make plans and stick to them. I was able to be adult and schedule things wisely and not ride by the seat of my pants. After going to the gym I hadn't sat down and prettied my face up, I put on mascara. It made me look pretty, but never glamorous or ostentatious. I was wearing conservative dress and didn't rely on how my legs were shaved to make me feel pretty.
It felt so god damned good.
Because I know I'm doing the right things. I know saying no to Gabe was right. I know getting my lease applications, my school applications, and all those other applications in on time is good for me (whether or not they're lenient with deadlines). I know that I wake up in the morning and clean a little just because it'll make me happier that afternoon. I smile in preparation for things and make myself do the ones I don't want to.
Every day should feel like this.
