1:06 a.m. | 2005-03-28
I Never Should Have Fallen For Him
My leg began to bounce as I lifted my eyes from my papers and glanced across the table at him again. He never meets your eyes when you gaze at him like anyone else would, but rather basks in the way you look at him.
I watched his eyes blink a few times and his chest rise and fall, catching a bit of his darker-than-mine skin as I remembered how much it looked like coffee the way I liked it, barely any cream at all.
His chest rose again and the buttons on his black shirt twisted a little as he turned his face to meet mine, opening his lips lightly, "the way you're staring I might just have to take it to mean something." My stare, a blank one but with intent, broke as I shook my head and looked him straight in the face, pretending to not be ashamed as he pretended not to be bemused.
I went back to staring at the papers I had promised to help him with but only pretended to move my pen along the lines for double checking, in my mind I was replaying all of the nights we'd ever spent together. His face on mine, his smile matching mine, his fingers holding mine and I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to let go.
I stopped and sat back, I grabbed my glass of wine gently and emptied the last lick of garnet tinted liquid into my mouth and as I sat is back at the table I began to look at him once more, this time openly watching his every move, realizing why I fell for him in the first place and remembering why night after night I promised myself I'd never do it again.
I sighed and turned the papers to face him, finally finishing my checks of deductions and refunds to get him his final product, I pointed to the bottom with the pen, "you just need to sign here."
My favorite jazz tune came on in the background and I sighed as he looked over the papers. His quick glances showed he knew nothing of what he was looking over but wanted to appear as if he did. The boy never was very good at lying.
I stood up and put on my very favorite sable colored pea coat followed by my scarf to protect against the brisk wind outside. I prepared to leave as he sat there and looked at me, hands folded in his lap. He titled his head and I lightly rolled my eyes as I made it apparent that I was leaving, whether or not he was going to sit at that table all night was up to him.
My strides were confident but paced as I made my way to the front door and towards my car, three blocks down. A block and a half down I saw a slight shadow from the lights and could hear the soft clicking of his shoes behind me. I breathed in deeper and almost got upset that he was being so immature about this whole thing.
Finally he came up beside me and finished the walk to my car in silence. As I neared my door and turned to stick the key into my lock I felt his arm from behind pin the door shut, his body pressing against my back. I had a flash of this familiar scene, paying a bill for dinner as he kissed the back of my neck sweetly.
I turned to look at him as his body pressed harder into mine and against my car door. He had yet to say anything and my keys still rested in my hand. I looked down, not sure what to make of the situation, and looked back up at him opening my lips just slightly, "you're stupid if you think I'm falling for this again."
His grip on me loosened in all senses of the word as I turned around and opened my door, his hand holding it open, my hand pulling it shut as I sweetly uttered, "goodnight, Gabriel," turning the car on and backing out while he stood on the sidewalk, almost bewildered, staring at my car.
As I drove away I didn't think much of my action. I didn't really think I had overcome anything or for that matter had anything to be proud of. It was only later, as I was clad in pajama bottoms and a tank top, that I thought about how much saying no really meant. How much it meant to him more than me. Because no one ever says no to him.
And I thought to myself, 'this is good, maybe he'll realize what he's doing.'
