7:05 p.m. | 2005-03-26
I Once Was Born to Be Bad
I had a full line-up of activities today. From volunteering at an egg hunt to having lunch with my best friend. I worked twice today, earned $120, and even cleaned my car.
And then I just started to fall apart.
I've never been socially anxious. I've never felt weird with people I didn't know, and I've always been able to fill that void of silence when you're with someone. But I have a friend's birthday party to go to tonight and I can barely breathe when I think about it.
I've been planning on moving out this August for a few months now and I'm afraid things with my failsafe (a good friend named Sara) are falling through. At one point I considered staying with my father until things worked out (at which point he walked down and I promptly remembered why I didn't want to be here). At another point, when talking to Gabe on the phone, I wondered what it would be like to live with him.
I got that desperate.
When I'm afraid of doing something I put it off until the very last minute until I just have to do it, no other way. Today, though, I was proactive and opened up a web browser and started looking at apartments in the area. Ideally (because of this new fear of people) I'd like to live alone. This, though, costs about $500-$600 a month here. My father will be giving me checks of $640 a month for room and board during the school year. And I will be working, but who can say how much.
So I started getting anxious. I started thinking about all the things that could go horribly wrong if I moved out. If I move out I'm not in control. I'm giving up the control to someone else. Someone who I'm living with.
And for some fucking reason I'm so god damned scared of my own success. I just need to suck it up and call Sara. I need to suck it up and call for my transcripts. I need to suck it up and be excited about life for once.
Or chicken out and get a place of my own.
