late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:12 p.m. | 2005-03-24
I Should Have Kissed You

I've always been emotional. I've always been a drama queen. I was never one for gossip, but I was always the first to jump on over-reacting. I always exaggerate (even when I don't even want or mean to).

That's why I've had the hardest time pinning myself down. The hardest time understanding my inner workings. The hardest time trying to figure out why I do what I do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I know who I am (ah those fabulous 'finding self' years). I'm saying that I'm too difficult to decode some days.

I paint the world a different color every day. And in each color, I'm happy.

What I mean by that is...even when I'm depressed or upset or angry or full of tears just waiting to burst -- I'm happy. I love listening to thoughtful music when I feel intelligent and reading literature when I'm feeling elitist. I love smoking when I'm hardcore and I love laughing when I'm pretty.

I find myself, more and more, to be one of the most versatile people I know or have ever met. I find also that it's a quality I love. My ability to adapt may be the first thing I've ever loved about myself. Not my blonde flowing hair (which I so easily forgot), not my blue eyes, not my fashion sense, not my love, not my ability to fix people.

It was something that I had as a child and my mother even realized. The more and more I explore this (the fact that you can stick me just about anywhere doing just about anything and pretty quickly I figure it out and begin to enjoy it) the more I realize that I want to see it reflected.

Because like any human, I want to know I'm not alone.

I want someone who, in the very least, is very similar to me. Who I can see all of my positive qualities in and thus who can see them in me and more than anything -- appreciate them. I want to be quiet and in love. I want to smile at the thing I just saw and look over to see that he saw it too.

The frustration only comes when I realize that I've never seen this in another. I know I'm not special enough to be the only person to have it, but I thought given the people I'm surrounded with, it wouldn't be incredibly difficult to find.

I never really thought about what I wanted in a person who will supposedly spend my life with me. Because I'm very accepting I always assumed I wasn't that picky. But when it all comes down to it I find that I really don't have that many qualifiers for soul mates. But the ones on the list (even if it's only a list of 3) aren't easy to be.

At least it's good to know there's a few things in this world I'll never compromise over.

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