late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

1:52 p.m. | 2005-03-22
Give Me A Reason and I Will

I feel terrible complaining when there's really nothing wrong.

I have a job. I have a home. I have general happiness and friends and the like. But that doesn't mean I'm completely satisfied. Not in this moment at least. And I understand that life is this game of being preparatory and unsatisfied just because that's how it is.

But this feels so much worse because yes I'm unhappy and unsatisfied. But do I have a reason? No. And even worse, do I feel like I'm at some sort of turning point where there's at least light at the end of the tunnel? No.

I feel like I'm not even in a tunnel. A tunnel has two directions, whether or not you can see the light. I feel like I'm in this empty abyss of space just waiting for something to happen to knock me on my ass. And once, just once, I'd like to be the one to give myself the kick in the pants I so deserve.

I got fired.

I was told that there were several customer complaints and even though I was never told -- they were enough to get me fired. I never ever imagined myself being fired. I'm personally a little offended because I never imagined myself to be so callous to customers and I hope I'm not.

I'm down to one job now and I'm bored as all hell. It's frustrating and hard because I no longer am being efficient like I was with two jobs. I don't have to remind myself to go to the bank because unlike a month ago, there will be time tomorrow.

I wonder what gives people motivation to do things that they don't want to do. Because I've never been goal oriented. I've never looked at that prize or that award and said "I want that." Even if I was in the running, I've never fought tooth and nail for it.

It's hard to sit here and watch bad daytime tv and to know that this could be my way of life for the next 3 years. And what's even worse is last night I found myself in the arms of someone familiar. Someone I shouldn't be seeing but, at the very least, I was strong enough to resist.

At the very least...Gabe's back.

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