7:05 p.m. | 2005-02-10
There are few things that truly make me hurt anymore. I can hurt myself. Those I've let in can hurt me. But few things actually break me.
And letting go can hurt the worst.
It's one of those stupid moments that are in movies. Where you have to let go of someone you love because, in the very end, it's better. For both sides, even.
I've spent the past 4 hours crying straight and my head pounds from it. Somewhere in the middle, as I tore myself down farther, it hit me. I need to take this step because he never will. Perhaps when he grows up and his life isn't in such turmoil we'll be able to surive. But until then, being in the same state as him is killing me.
He more or less refuses to see me. He says I don't know him. And every time we talk he reminds me that I was the one to go away. To leave. And I was. And if it makes him feel better I'll walk away with the blame.
But I don't need this anymore. And so, even though most people won't make sense of it, I'm leaving this friendship. I'm more or less, dumping him. I'm not making it self righteous and saying it's better for him in the end. I'll be honest, I just can't take it anymore.
Colin, I love you. I know that you have the skills to take you far in life. I know your heart is big enough. I know you can do it. And no matter what you thought about how I judged you...I wish you luck with Laura. 'Cause I love seeing you happy. Good luck. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Thank you for being confused when I told you I wasn't worth it.
I'll miss you.