8:06 p.m. | 2005-02-01
I Just Can't Do It Anymore
Sometimes I think of life like a road. Because I like making 3-d models of things in my head it helps me sort out what my life is and why. For example all of us have roads. All of them cross, uncross, run next to, and do all the things normal roads would. They bend, the dip, they lead us through hell and back.
And I've been thinking about my road recently. Rather unassuming. Quiet. Sometimes boring. And while I've always been walking along it whistling my own tune I've started to realize that I haven't been the same in about 7 months.
I haven't wanted to be like the old me, at all, in a long time. I haven't wanted to look at everything as happy go lucky. I haven't wanted to listen to the same songs or think the same ways. I keep changing my ipod everytime something that I used to like comes on.
I feel like I've changed, but not because I had to or because of my own free will. Because I've grown up and am starting to hate the place that I live it.
I have more and more apathy for people recently who can't do things right. I figured out it's because I identify with them. If a situation doesn't fit me perfectly...I leave it. I forget about it and tell myself that I deserve better. It's all just a selfish way of living, though.
I throw tantrums to get attention, I've turned more "female" than ever before. Insisting that they notice my hair and the 5 pounds I've lost. Wearing only what makes me look best and having my best foot forward, always. What happened to loving me for me? For liking the things I could say?
I haven't spoken about philosophy or inner human workings in months. I've been distracted by work, a 9 to 5, or getting things cleaned.
I had my priorities straight, and ironically I still think the list I used to have is great. My priorities still are my priorities, I still value the things I think are most important more than anything. But I'm not living that life.
I'm failing at being a good me.