12:48 p.m. | 2005-01-17
I Better Like Heat 'Cause We All Know Where I'm Ending Up
I'm not sure what happened last night. I spent all day organizing--taking a previously pretty clean room and destroying it so I could put everything back in different places. And it felt good and nice to be like this is in the end.
Gabe said he wanted to see me. He said it had been "so long," and usually when it's just a friend thing between the two of us he doesn't rush things.
I hopped in the shower and did everything I could possibly do to get ready. Carefully shaved, put on lotion, did my hair with this cute little flip out. I even wore earrings (teal) which matched my sweater (teal) which matched my eye shadow (teal) which matched the pin in my hair (also teal). It was funny to watch me primp for what I knew I could get.
Or what I thought I knew I could get.
I had decided that I would not walk this path anymore, the one of hope and all, but rather just take from him what I wanted and needed. I planned to play the seductress roll. I laughed at myself as I thought of the clever tricks I'd play on him.
But, as every nemesis does, he thwarted me. We had a great evening, played with some of his friends, went to this fabulous coffee shop (super hippy and super cool), and as we were gonna go home I suggested my house. I walked up to him and pulled him tight, breathing into his ear and I was about to lightly bite the edge of it and whisper that we should "go back to my place," when his friend called to him and he quickly turned around. Needless to say we went to my place.
I tried, attempt after attempt to get him to fall for my plan but he wasn't having it. And then it hit me. I paused and looked at him and said, "you know, I'd never even be in this spot had I never given you my number, or called you back when you left a message or let you stay that night." His interest seemed piqued. I continued, "I falsified this all in my head, when really Gabriel it never existed." He paused and spoke, "it did." In a very Gabriel-esque way, even. The kind of way that makes girls take whatever they were thinking and give it up, no matter how logical. This time I fought back.
"No, no you didn't, not like I wanted you to." And I paused and thought as he leaned in my doorway and finished my thought to him, "if you did then, like you say, when did you stop wanting me?" He thought for a while, but I knew instantly. It was something I'd been denying for so long. It was something I had tried to ignore so badly. When I got back from Boston we had a reunion and nothing, I mean nothing was the same. There was no passion from his side, no fire and no love and I realized that me not being there had extinguished all feelings.
He owned up to the fact, for once, straight up that he didn't want me. That he was in love with someone else, but it wasn't because of her that he didn't want me, it was because of himself and...
Oh no, you can't forget him...jesus.
He told me how his trip out of the state had changed him, told me about his "walk with god." This is all fine in my book. But he then proceeded to preach me for about 45 minutes. About angels and demons and the reckoning day and things that make a christian a real christian. He knows my faith (or complete lack thereof) and continued to more or less tell me I was going to hell.
So I've swallowed that he doesn't want me. And he hasn't gone back on that statement, which feels great because now I can finally accept it. But here's where it gets tricky...
I have no problem with religion or faith of any kind. It makes people stronger and more compassionate and rarely makes them worse people. Because they have some ultimate goal in their lives with religion. The only thing that does bother me is getting preached. It happens all the time. I tend to pick "nice" friends, and most "nice" people tend to be religiously persuaded and thus feel the need to "save" me because they can't 'bear the pain of seeing my soul be burned in fiery damnation for all eternity!'
So I got a little upset. And I moved positions and started to voice my upset a bit. Not against him, against christian society. See, in our society it's OK to tell someone about god. It's ok to tell them about your beliefs and it's ok to think about doing good in the world by spreading it. But let an atheist tell a christian that he/she is wrong and you've got a serious crisis on your hands. Because it's a terrible double standard. Because you're allowed to look down on me, simply because I'm not christian but the world considers me to be "ignorant" if I don't give respect people with faith. Why should I, you don't respect me.
You think I'm stupid and rejecting the true ways of life.
Funny part? I think you're doing the exact same thing, only I'm not allowed to say it out loud for fear of stigma.
But it was healthy, I think, because in the end he never told me that even though I wasn't "the one" that I could still be "the one." He didn't tell me that he didn't want me but then had sex with me. He was very straightforward and in some manners hurt. But life hurts some days and I suppose I'll just need to swallow that for another day.
Thankfully, without me having to ignore it, the drama is over.
