6:07 p.m. | 2004-12-26
It All Spells Disaster
Three boys called me last night to wish me a merry christmas.
The first, whose heart I'm currently breaking by being completely emotionally unavailable and uninterested, told me that he was thankful to have me in his life. When I sucked it up and told him that I was hurtful and bad for him--he denied it. He refused to listen to the fact that the only reason he's in my life is because I'm selfish and I know he'll give me attention whenever I need it.
The second, a very dear friend of mine, could only call just to say hello, wish me a merry christmas, and tell me that he loved me. Nothing short of the expected.
The third, though, was not a call I expected at all. In fact my eyes lit up when I saw the name flicker across the screen and I grinned as I ran to my old room, closing my door behind me. I answered the phone and cuddled up under my old bed's sheets, asking him what Santa had brought him and whether or not he had been a good boy. I giggled and mentioned I was in my old bed, he laughed and said he wished he was too. We talked for nearly an hour, about random things, sang random songs, and in general smiled and laughed.
I can't believe he still has that power over me. The one that makes me bend to his every desire, not letting me say what I want at all. It's frustrating.
I know I promised I'd never speak of him again. I know. But the way he said my name, the mere fact that he called, it just all meant so much that I couldn't contain myself. I had to talk to him and I had to know how he was and whether or not he was in love. I know it doesn't matter but I just can't help the fact that I feel I need to be with him, even if I know he doesn't like me.
I have this strange sentimental attachment to the boy, no matter how many times he rips my heart out.
