10:50 p.m. | 2004-11-14
Say That You Love Me
I know I promised, but my stomach sinks each time I think about him being gone. He actually did leave. Went early in the morning and I assume is there--I don't have the guts to call him.
But I'm scared for him like I've never been scared for anyone in my life. He's fragile, and if I'm not there to hold his heart when it's aching, I'm not sure what he'll do. I'm not sure if he can grow up, or if I'm hurting him, or what I want.
All I know is that I get physically sick to my stomach when I think of him being gone.
I've had dream after dream about men recently. Ones with me, ones leaving me, ones betraying me, ones saying no, ones saying yes. A whole cornucopia of men. And it stresses me because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Like I've pushed a wrong button or flipped a wrong switch. And I feel terribly guilty all of a sudden.
Not to mention the stress of my pending review at work. The sort of do or die thing. That thing which could get me fired, could get me breaking down into tears, and could have me leaving this company behind. It's all so foreign and so boring.
I'm sorry I never mentioned him. That there was a him, and I'm sorry I never elaborated on him being gone either. He was nothing. A smudge on my timeline. I'll survive.
