11:39 p.m. | 2004-10-23
Best Friends Means I Pull The Trigger
The days have begun to pass so steadily that I barely recognize their speed. I look up to see it's already next Saturday and I'm so focused only on what tomorrow's going to hold. I'm planning out my day like it's my life and I'm scheduling times for things I shouldn't have to. Like shaving. And painting my toe nails, and worse...laundry. I love doing laundry, but I dont have time, and I'm so anile about how things have to be folded I need the time!
Now, just like my life, they're in this basket, all messy and wrinkled and I pick through them trying to find the pieces that I'll wear.
And it all came to me tonight. Why I've been unhappy. Why I've been upset. Why I went into this sudden "it'll be ok" mode and why I swept so easily back from it. I'm secluding myself from the world. I'm not a terribly introverted person (or at all for that matter) but I've started to live the lifestyle. I've been working so hard and so much that I can't make time for myself let alone other people. And they gave up trying to chase me long ago. They gave up calling me and inviting me to things because while I would be cordial and say, "hey, I'd love to," I'd quickly follow it up with, "but I have work."
And I started to realize that besides my co-workers...I haven't seen another soul in about 3 weeks. I haven't taken the time to "hang out" or even call someone in more than that. And those last attempts were pretty pathetic. I've become too involved in what I'm doing and I've completely lost touch with who I am and how I treat people. I noticed tonight, far after I should have said it, that I should have reacted with a hug and a 'it's ok, you made the right decision.' And while I did end up reacting with that--it was so far delayed I wondered what was wrong with me.
No wonder I feel distant. No wonder I feel so unemotional and can't even really manage the tears I used to as I banged away at these keys. And it's frustrating because I was so much more passionate at that time.
I should pick up the phone. I should call them, but I'm such a wuss, and I can't imagine doing this much longer.
