late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:03 p.m. | 2004-10-19
I Promised I'd Have You Home Before Daylight

For the longest time I wanted someone to be with. Someone to lay next to and someone to share my concerns with, and in general what any teenager wants--a relationship. I fell in and out of them (mostly because of my own insecurities) and it's becoming more and more clear to me how I feel about these things.

First, I have nothing against marriage or anything of that sort. But I got to thinking about why I have this need to be with someone. My friends (who could understand me better than anyone) weren't enough. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone to hold my hand and walk me to classes and...that was all society. It's normal in high school to date. But by college you're looking for soul mates. Here's were history gets to me...

Originally we wanted comittment from the other sex because they could provide for us. They could feed us, and give us children, and we could sustain our society and ourselves with a man in the household. I have a feeling cavemen weren't cuddling up in the corner telling each other their darkest secrets.

But in today's more modern world--women can provide for themselves perfectly. When I grow up and get a real job (one thats only 40 hours, whoa!), then I can fully support myself. What do I need a man for? Cuddles. Sex. And that's about all I could put on that list of things I couldn't get for myself.

So I'm beginning to put less and less importance in my life on a relationship and more on me (which is ironic for how I actually am right now). I'm starting to realize that while a boy would be wonderful to come over and be with and be able to constantly count on--that's not always going to be possible and I can't be able to define my happiness by that.

So boys will become like bonus points. I'll love getting them and having them, but they're just extra credit, they'll just make me happier than happy. Without them I'll be plenty satisfied.

When my parents got divorced I lost all respect for marriage and any semblence of a real relationship and have tried all my life to fight it. Because they truly were in love. They were both caring people. But they only loved for a certain amount of time and the stress of having a baby too early (though by society's standards it was late) made them both go over the edge. I can always marry late, when those damned boys settle down, and adopt kids of my own. I'd love a child, really.

I can't wait to grow up and be a big girl. It'll be fun, ya think?

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