7:00 p.m. | 2004-10-18
I Remember It Well, The First Time I Saw You
I've been trying to find the words to describe what I'm planning on for days. I've been trying to put it eloquently and for it to make sense to me and anyone who happens to channel in. I've tried different moods. I've tried different theme songs. I've tried everything...
And it became clear to me this morning when I was talking with Gabe. I asked him his plans for the evening and had fully planned on solidifying something seeing as I had already mentioned I would be at my mother's and she would be out of town. He began to reply then stopped. He quickly entered a "gtg, bye" and a "be well" before he raced off but I had barely glanced at my computer before he was offline. I was upset at first. Then I realized that this is what I agreed to deal with.
And for the first time in a long time I didn't want to inform everyone out there of what he had done and why he was such an asshole. I didn't. Sure I was upset at him because our clocks work on the same tick and everytime I start to seriously want to see him (and get the feeling for about 2 days straight without) he, without fail, contacts me in some way shape or form.
I knew this was coming and now I feel I've found an appropriate way to deal with it. I won't. From this point forward I will not be explaining what happened. I will not be telling you how he makes me feel. I will not be letting you in on the details of how bad he tugs me around. First off, because you all have heard it. Second, you all have your own formed opinions. Third, and most importantly, there's someone else I need to worry about hurting. And it's not me this time.
He has no idea this exists and I'd rather keep it that way, though I'm not going to go about hiding it. And I don't want anyone getting the impression that just because I talk about Gabe more I think about him more. That's quite the opposite actually. It's when I think about him a lot that I tend not to write about him.
And I think this is going to be healthy. I've always set standards for myself and never stuck with them. I've always been far too interested in what I want, not what's best. But I've found a new personal strength that's allowing me to do many things in my life. Be it getting to the gym regularly or not letting boys tug at my heart strings. I'm getting better.
And it'll be real this time. So if I haven't updated for days it's because I've had work. And I've been out playing, but not with anything real to say. Because from this point forward I will be writing about things that are me so this site aptly portrays who and what I am to the best of my abilities.
Sad inspirational music is wonderful. Coming from my speakers I swear it feels like I'm in a movie. I kind of wish it was, 'cause there's pre-set plots in movies. Not here. "I'll be fine...just give me time."
