12:11 p.m. | 2004-10-14
I Look Up To Those Who Actually Don't Deserve It Because I Don't Understand
How can I honestly be stuck this far behind?
I came to terms a long time ago (and not just because I wanted a lable, but because I fit the label) that I was a late bloomer in many regards. I'm just now liking bags. I've always been just a little behind socially because while I can notice and point out trends and ways that people act...I'm never very interested in them.
But now that I've found that my music taste is a bit ahead of some things (with bands like Head Automatica, Chronic Future, etc) I started to look back on myself and things that I'd done and realized where I was "behind" and where I was "ahead."
And here's where my frustration began. I did go off to college like all of my classmates (I seem to live in a middle to upper class white town where it's not only expected, but you're relegated to discrimination if you don't), and I did have somewhat of a typical first year. But I didn't go back. Whether it be because of laziness or the sheer fact that I didn't want to--it doesn't matter.
I'm upset because I'm stuck. Because I'm doing this because I told myself I could, and I'm changing in ways people can't see...whereas everyone around me is making those visible changes. One is in another country, learning and living. One has a boyfriend that (and this is not immature to say, because she's truly grown up) will most likely end up asking her to marry him. My friends have given up that whole "fuck this, I'm having fun" attitude, and they're finally growing up. Enjoying themselves, yes, but getting their adult things done.
And I'm stuck here.
In this strange stagnant place that I can't seem to move from. I'm not dating my future husband. I'm not planning my future, in fact I'm vaguely thinking about going back to school next year to do "Business marketing." How boring. Life has little thrill for me anymore and it's frustrating because I'm the one who put myself into this place.
I'm the one who chose to come home?
And I'm not upset I made that decision. Because I need to learn to live without those things I thought I needed before. I don't need to be involved, I don't need to be in charge, I don't need to have control, and I'm coming to terms with that. It's just in the process I wish I was a bit happier.
The fact that I bought a new pillow sham and it made my day--bothers me. Because I can see so many good things in my future. I could have been an English major, but I think instead I'll use some of my natural writing skills (not portrayed here) and apply them to a business world, which could use a little more eloquency. I'll take my eye for things that are "hip" and "modern" and the slight eye I have for graphic design and help my career that way. I'm a hard worker and I almost always fall in love with whatever I'm doing.
So why am I working two kind of part time jobs and not getting the education needed to go into the "real world."? And why am I not jumping into it now, without an education, because I know I have the skill. I know that I could do the exact same job without a degree, but no one else would notice me until my resume says something else besides "high school graduate, IB diploma recipient."
I'm slowly learning to value myself, but not doing anything about it isn't helping.
Ignore emo rants.
