late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:38 p.m. | 2004-10-08
Such Great Heights

Will and I were talking tonight. And in my mindless babble and my tired insanity I managed to utter words I didn't think I'd admit to anyone but myself.

I'm trying my best to break myself this year.

In fact, I'm trying my damdest. It's all in an effort to prove to myself and make me learn what I want to do with my life and where I want to go. I honestly wouldn't mind my ankles being swollen like this and the dark circles under my eyes if I was headed towards something real. We all know I'm not.

Because I really am the 19 year old who left college and is living with her parents working one job that's at least a little prestigious and another which hires 15 year olds. And believe me, I know what that says about me. I'm the girl who's lost her once enormous vocabulary and can barely remember the dates she once had engrained in her head.

I'm really not anything special right now.

And I'm working on finding that "special." I'm working on buying the clothes I want to wear. Knowing the music I want to know. Reading the books I want to read. And being the person I want to be. I don't want to take years to grow up--I want to grow up now.

So I'm working on it. Slowly. Making my way here and there and learning SO much in the wake of that.

It's terrible. And it's teenage. And I'm loving every minute.

Forgive me as I make my mistakes, smoke my cigarettes and buy suede shoes--all of these will most likely be misjudgements some day.

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