12:24 a.m. | 2004-10-06
Deja Entendu
I've realized that this isn't helping.
This back and forth thing between Gabe and I. The whole reason this journal/diary/writing thingy was created. No, this does not mean I'm ditching this site because it's all about him. Because it's not all about him. Sure it was part of the reason it was created. But not the only reason. And he's definitely not what every single entry is about. This is about my growth as an individual.
It's not art. My writing was never meant to be pretty. It was meant to be poignant. It was meant to get across how I feel. At times it was angsty, stupid, happy, depressing, thoughtful and whathaveyou. But it was never meant to be pretty. I never meant to be proud of every entry. That's why I never went back and deleted all that crap. Never. And I don't plan to. Because I'm open with who I am.
And it's only in the last year or so that I've become this way, so in this huge transitional point in my life, I want some kind of record.
That being said. I've been going about this the wrong way with Gabe. I've been flirting with disaster. I've been promising never to see him again. I've been promising never to do things with him again. I've been promising you and myself a lot of things. And to this day I really haven't held them true because the moment we're alone and his eyes lock with mine--I can't help but melt.
Because I know he's not good for me. I know he's not healthy, and I've become so aware of that. But. Here's my issue: I've noticed that even though I've become aware of that, I still want him. But I've also realized I want him in a different way. Because I no longer feel dirty after he touches me. I no longer feel sad and upset and lonely. Because I no longer want a relationship with Gabe. I don't want a future, and I don't want him to want me for more than sex and friendship.
So here I put down the line.
I can do what I wish with him. I will have to deal with the consequences of my own morals and their perchance clashing with what I do with him--but I am allowed to have access to Gabe as long as I don't want a relationship. And perhaps now that I can have what I want (because I've "banned" myself from it for so long) I won't want it as badly.
There's other factor's too, of course, that I won't be sleeping with him immediately. But I feel that this leaves my options open for when I'm open. And this I think I can deal with.
So, darlings, there will be no more Gabe drama. Because everything with him will no longer be drama. It'll be casual meetings with things inclined to happen. That's all.
'Cause I've been a drama queen for far too long. Time to put down that crown and move along, sister.
