late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

8:59 p.m. | 2004-10-03
I Never Wanted It This Way--But Do I Have A Choice?

I'm terribly afraid of depression. I've never been one to be depressed, or to be really that upset for that long just...moody I suppose. I'm actually normally a very very upbeat person (I know I know, but keep in mind that what I document here is mostly heartbreak/pain). I think I can safely say that everyone who either knows me or talks to me here knows that I'm constantly a ball of sunshine. So why would I be so afraid of falling into something so deep as depression or to something as bad as self mutilation?

I've always been afraid that my eating habits are a certain form of "cutting," though I've never been able to place what my fat would be a cover for. That's what my mother said once, "Lauren, what is that fat mask hiding?" Not to mention that she called me that...but the fact is--there's got to be a reason, right? Something besides overindulgence? I'm still not convinced...but it's never driven me over the edge.

So now as I push myself harder...with the majority of my friends being gone (either in state or out of state) and with the ones close only getting a small portion of my time (because I seem to work so often) I start to see myself getting more and more tired. But everytime I need someone...I seek them out. Sadly that's about once a month. I'm always willing to do something with people when they call me, don't get me wrong, but I actively don't search people out.

Connie searched out Gabe and I last night, and I went over, and with her there it just wasn't the same...and I started to realize something. I'd worked all day (7:45 am - 9:45 pm) at Inta Juice and I was terribly tired. I said nothing at dinner. I was quiet. I wasn't a ray of sunshine. I wasn't anything like me. And it's hard to admit to myself that me listening to loud angry screaming music and loving to sing along means anything when just minutes previous I was listening to "I'm Walking on Sunshine" and dancing. Honestly.

I'm beginning to think I can't break. That I just push and push and I keep thinking I "almost broke." But then I prove myself wrong. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I can do anything I set my mind to.

Shit that'd be cool.

ps...I bought so much stuff today. Check the page seriously...I got some awesome stuff.

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