10:34 p.m. | 2004-10-01
Country Music and Heavy Eyeliner Led Me Here
I've come to a number of epiphanes in the past few days. Whether it be from certain boys telling me that they may not be able to talk to me and that I hurt them worse than life itself or just from me having two hours in a car to myself.
I just got to thinking, and it felt so good. When I'm home, or going to work, or just driving--I don't think about anything but the present. I don't think anything past the next song and the next light, because that's all that matters in that moment.
But I got to drive back from Boulder the other day and I found myself reaching out. I called people. I called the person I needed to call and because he wasn't around, I just started calling those I owed calls (unfortunately I'm terrible with making calls, I'm great at picking up my phone, but I forget to call people back all the time, I hate it). None of them were there. Of about 8 people I called, not a single person was available. So I was forced to deal with me. I turned off the stereo and I started to talk. When I think I either don't move or I say it out loud as if I were explaining it to one of the few people who could understand.
And as I was thinking a certain phrase brushed my lips that someone had said the other day. "Which ever decision you choose, Lauren, just know that I've never known you not to follow your heart." Now when Gabe said this I was appalled (because I'm a person driven by logic, of course) and I said straight back to him, 'if you think that's who I am, then you obviously don't know me.' He was hurt, to say the least, but knew I never meant it. So I immediately picked up the phone and spewed this discovery to him, that I was sorry and that worse than that...he was right.
My heart leads my head. It tells my head what's logic. Was Boston logical? Hell no! It was my heart that said, "go for it." Was coming back at all logical? Nuh uh. Was not going to school for a year logical, no! It's all my heart fooling my head into thinking it's leading me. All of these decisions made sense, it wasn't just that I wanted to, it was that I felt like it, and it would feel good.
Because I am American in the true sense of the word. I love instant gratification. So I start actively listening to my heart at that point. Asking myself questions and answering them as honestly as I can.
What would you like to do next year? As cool as Boulder is...I think it'd be a facade, and it would add a ton of variables to the situation I could avoid. I'd have to find an apartment, do bills, go to school, change jobs...all of these things. And right now? I'm starting to feel work. I'm starting to realize that I don't love working 14 hours a day at something that's not mine. Not my creation, not my idea, not my plan. And I'm learning so much. And I refuse to let go of this opportunity. I've even pondered talking to my bosses to lighten my load.
I know.
So it dawned on me that perhaps I would like to stay here, where it's comfortable for once. To live in the basement, to pay no rent, to buy my school texts, to find my way around campus, to love the life I live. I'd have my car, and I wouldn't have to worry about where to park it at night, and I could still be me, and work my job (to keep opportunities open) but still learn.
And I like the way that sounds.
Because I honestly miss walking around with my notebooks (all scribbled on and decorated) and sitting down with a book and a highlighter. I miss it, I do.
At least I know things will turn out, because I always follow my heart.
