4:29 p.m. | 2004-09-26
And She Said: Pick One Person You Could Live With Forever
It's terrible. I sat there sniffling and cold and with a blanket around me and my eyes all watery and I mumbled into the phone, "would it be out of line if I just asked you to come over and hold me?"
I remember sniffling, and breaking into full out sobs and having a terrible fever. And I do remember calling him. Asking him to just lay at my side, nothing more, wrap his arms around me and kiss my forehead from time to time.
So he showed up on my doorstep. My hair was curly and soft from sleeping on it wet and falling everwhere in my face. I looked down as he came in and put his hand to my face. I muttered that I didn't know why I had invited him. He set the soup he had in his hand down on my desk and pulled my body to his as he cradled me and rocked me back and forth. My head was pounding and I was hot, but I felt so cold. He told me I'd be ok and held my hand as he walked me to my bed, pulled his shoes and his jacket off and climbed into my bed, patting the spot next to him.
I don't know why I climbed in. You know when you're sick and your body is so tired you just give up your will on certain things? I climbed up into bed, my body aching and lay next to him, his arm around me as I started to cry again. He asked me if I was just sick, then why was I crying. I just sobbed more.
When I woke up I couldn't believe the amount of pain I was in. I didn't want to move and I could feel the salt from the tears of last night on my cheeks and my pillow, and his arm was tight around me, his front pressed to my back. I thought about the mistake I had made, sure it was only laying next to him, but I shouldn't have. I started to tear up again when he was obviously aware that I was awake and pulled the hair from my eyes and gently rolled me over onto my back. He watched my face squint lightly to the pain as I looked him in the eye. I glanced over at the clock and saw the fitful hour of 5 as I moaned and wished I had slept longer.
I remember he rolled over me, gently, got me a glass of water and some asprin, kissed me on the forehead and said he had to go. He's never really said he had to go. I started to cry again and looked back at me with concern and I told him that I'd never regretted anything in my life. But that I'd made a mistake. And that I shouldn't have called him. He frowned and said, "if that's the way you feel," as he sat down on my couch to put his shoes on. I watched him deliberately tie his laces and put a hand to his forehead and run it through his hair as he stood up and walked to my door only the way he could. My throat ached, but I wanted to cry out after him.
He walked out into the darkness as he tosses his jacket over his shoulder and closed my door quietly.
I rolled over in bed again at 8 am. I looked at the clock, and a bit more clear headed cursed myself for the decisions of the night before. Not so much for calling him, but for telling him the truth, that I shouldn't have. Undoubtedly I rippped his heart to shreds. Nothing I haven't done before, unfortunately.
I just feel like such an ass.
