9:58 p.m. | 2004-09-21
We're Just Two Lost Souls
I talked to someone tonight. A friend of mine. A dear friend of mine. And while I miss him so, I couldn't help but get the feeling that he felt superior to me.
It seemed like him going off and moving to college was just the best thing he could do, and it just seemed like with every little 'oh, guess what I did!' that I gave him I felt a little less of myself. And darling, if you're reading this, you may not have meant it that way, but that's sure as hell how it felt.
Because yes, I did go off to Boston. Yes, I'm not going back this year. Yes, I'm not going to school at all this year. But no, I'm not a failure. And no, that doesn't make me any less than you. I realized what I needed, and what I needed was to sit down and take some time to see where I was standing and where I wanted to be walking next. In fact, I think it may have just been a genius decision because it's just another "what if" I fulfilled.
And keep in mind I never ever lived my life with regret or 'what if's.
A degree based on me never doing anything and having some occassional late night studying would have meant nothing. The piece of paper would have been the same as yours, but I wouldn't have worked for it. And that's not right. Because I want to be accomplished, and I want to do things, and I want to go places.
Where all of this stems from is first off my general feeling of unworthiness and more than that: I'm watching all of my friends go off and do great things. Literally great things. They're teaching in foreign countries (one in Thailand the other soon to be in Korea). They're going to Germany for a semester abroad, and most likely a year plus. They're starting new lifes in New York. They're being the big boys and girls I knew they could be. They're getting heavy degrees from the School of Mines. They're turning their life around and changing their bad habits. They're becoming the best people they can be at all of your ivy leagues.
And I'm sitting here on my ass getting worse.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bailing on this like some say I bailed on Boston. I will take what I need and take what I planned and I will run with it. I will finish this year out and decide what I want to do next summer. And you know what? It'll feel right.
Because I've always wanted to be a person that trusted their heart. I've always wanted to be a person that let logic and just gut instinct make their decisions, and it dawned on me the other day. I know his words should mean little to me but...Gabe told me that, "perhaps I don't know you, but you've always been one to follow your heart, so if you think this is what you need to do, I trust you." And it wasn't what he was responding to, it was about the heart comment. Why did I join IB? Felt like it. Why did I stay there? Felt like it. Why did I go to Boston? Felt like it. Why did I come back from Boston? Felt like it. Not go to school this year? Felt like it.
I have always followed my heart. I wanted and needed to stop for a while. And I may be just like a ton of other 19 year olds still living with my parents and not in school...but god damn it, I don't feel like it.
Because no, I'm not in a foreign country. No, I'm not at Harvard. No, I'm not doing anything important, yet at the same thing I'm doing the best thing I've ever done: I'm discovering myself.
So take that one and suck it.
