3:52 p.m. | 2004-09-18
No More Options; One Road
My sitemeter just popped up above 4,000. Not that I want to brag, or bring it to attention, or anything like that, but it's gotten me thinking on a topic that a ton of people have been thinking of recently:
Why am I on Diaryland, and what is it doing for me/others?
Don't be scared. I'm not going anywhere--yet. To just up and leave a site that I spend way too much time on? Nuh uh. But it has me asking myself why. I always have motives for everything I do. Everything. Ask me and I'll tell you its purpose. So that of course got me to thinking: why here. Why am I still here.
This diary was started for one specific reason: I was enamored with this boy and I hurt from it. I wanted him so badly, but couldn't have him, and until recently, it's tracked that cycle. All about that boy that I want.
And as I grow up a bit more and have reviewer after reviewer tell me that my username is "silly," and "young," and "doesn't portray" who I am, I find myself wondering--does it? Because it very well might be a 13 year old's choice for a name or whatnot. I refuse to make a page to explain what my nickname is. I refuse. It's silly, trite, and ridiculous. That's just it. Besides if you can't decipher "more to know" on your own--you really shouldn't be reading this. It's not difficult, just think and add a few words, there is "more to know." Really, not that hard. I'm surprised by how many people have been baffled.
A title doesn't even have to fit me, I can make my link say whatever I want. I don't have x's or numbers, or anything of the sort, and honestly: I don't hate my name. I think it suits me just fine.
To be honest right now, just plain down honest, it's hard to be here at this moment. As some of my friends are in other countries (and understandably can't always update), some are just busy with life, some are leaving for good, and some are just having an incredibly difficult time, I can't help but wonder: why am I still here?
I have a life. I have friends to be around, and I honestly never ditch them to come home and do some HTML editing. Oh joy. I always jump on a chance to be with them.
I have a job. Edit: I have jobs. As per my paychecks I work about 50 hours every two weeks from each place, so if you can do any math, I work abour 30 hours a week at each place, which adding would prove to be a 60 hour work week. Figure in that most of my shifts end at 1pm and start again at 4pm (which means 3 wasted hours), I have very little time.
What good am I? The only thing that's keeping me here right now is that I would be distraught (and am in some cases) that some of my friends would leave. I would bve heartbroken if some of you just stopped writing. So I'm thinking, perhaps I do just a little something for someone. Perhaps not to the point of ruining things, but any little entertainment value is worth it.
I know this is ramble. I know this is crap. And more than that--I'm not looking to have you write me little notes like, "oh but Lauren you do mean so much!" (which I know some of you still will, and for that I'll hate you!) I just need to put it out there that I'm lost. I don't get this. Because this doesn't have purpose anymore.
ps, did I ever tell you I posted pictures of the puppy? oh, guess not, look at 'em!
