6:09 p.m. | 2004-09-16
"Home"
I owe you an appology.
I left without giving you honest reasons, without telling you what was going on in my head, without telling you, the ones I trusted most, my hopes dreams and desires. It's not so much that I lied, just I never told you the truth because I'm not sure I knew/could confront the truth at that time.
I refer to Boston. I refer to the dirty city, the Saturday T-Stops and the nights of unabashed fun I had. Even looking back on it now, I have no idea why I went to Boston. I remember it being a big city, I remembered what I saw I liked, and I figured, 'why the hell not.' That's how I make most of my decisions these days, actually, I just follow my natural path. What's the point in straying anyway?
Now, in going off to college here's what I figured would happen: I figured I'd keep my style, and I'd keep my ways of partying on the weekends, and I'd have some fun with some people who were different from me. I don't know if I meant to be there for more than a year from the beginning because I've always gotten restless once I did one thing too long. I do well with a schedule, but it has to change.
So my scenery changed. I went to a place that was beautiful in the fall, covered in snow and wind in the winter, and had people massing on the streets the day it got warmer. I walked along the cobble stone streets, I giggled over bad movies, I got drunk and threw up, I wore heels with jeans, I got hit by a van, I cried, I laughed, and I enjoyed myself. I endulged my fantasy of living in a big city, to an extent. Only I was more quiet, more scared, and a bit more introverted than ever. Never have I sat in one place so much. Perhaps it was the lack of comfort, but here I play, I'm out, I'm doing and there--I stayed.
That being said. I went to Boston for selfish reasons. I wanted to go to somewhere no one heard of, I wanted to be a college kid, and I wanted to, again, live that big city life. Never did I assume I'd meant some of the most amazing people I've ever known. Never could have even guessed that. I figured I'd have some friends, some tifts, but I never ever assumed I'd get so attached to someone I'd find myself in tears the moment they said, "I miss you."
It's as I've fallen in love. The same kind of love that screams 'I want to be with you forever,' and 'I want to be your one and only,' but negates the relationship sense of the word. I honestly don't understand it because I've always been so gaurded. My best friend (who was just assumed, she was the only girl on the block and we got along, and I was with her 24/7) left me for Texas and I really didn't see her ever again. Even when she moved home. Right back across the street. Now apparantly she's married, and without a finished college degree and who knows what. I wanted to be a part of her life.
All of my other friends had to pass test after test after test to be near me. But last year, I let two people so close I can't even handle thinking about it. I'm not sure how they got to me, or how I allowed them in...but what happened next was the worst part.
I left them.
I remember the last day, and not even finishing my calc final (which ironically forced me to fail the class because I was sobbing to hard to write) because I had just said goodbye to Jamie and Colin hadn't even gotten out of bed to say goodbye. I was heartbroken. They're just friends, how could I be heartbroken? Obviously they're different friends. If I was really sad about leaving them and not having friends, why then (now that I'm "home" and have friends again) am I sad every time I think about them?
And why didn't I tell them? There's no clear answer why I left Boston. There's no real reason, and there's no definitive cause. All I know is...I wasn't myself. And in not being myself I was not happy. I almost wish I had never gone. If I had never gone I wouldn't have to think about the people I left there. The feelings and relationships I have stunted. I love these people so much, that I'm not sure what to do.
I want to go back, so badly, but there's nothing there right now. The city's there. The people are there. But I can't survive on those two alone. I honestly talked to my boss and asked her about rates in Boston. I checked up to see if I could live there, as cheap as possible, on my meager salary. Sadly the answer was no. And I know that if I want them this badly I should just jump on a plane right now. I should just go, and I should say fuck my life, I want them. But where would I be in two months? When sleeping on their floor gets old? When my soul aches for change again?
I battle with this daily, because I miss you, and I want you back. But I want me back too. And I'm just getting there.
So, I'm looking at it the positive way. I will visit. I will be out there at least once a year. To say hello, to hug and kiss, and to play with. You'll have to live with that as I get myself figured out, as I go back to school, as I do what I need, because I need to get me straightened up. But a degree's not that long. And a degree can take you wherever, right? I'll get my business degree and I'll go back to Boston and work out there either with my current company or what have you. I can make it work.
It's all just a matter of time I suppose.
I miss you. I love you. I never meant to hurt you. I want to come back. I want to be here. I can't express how grateful I am that you're in my life. I am in love with you.
