6:34 p.m. | 2004-08-08
I Never Needed A Point
It's not so much that I don't love him it's that...
I don't really love him. I've been thinking a bit about Gabe recently, and other people in my life along with things I've done.
Let's just say if Gabe and I were anything (we're definitely not, this is just to make a point) I would have cheated on him as of a night ago. It's not a huge deal to me, don't worry, but it's made me think of a whole bunch of things.
I did whatever I did with Gabe and this other boy out of free will. It was my own want and desire and I wasn't persuaded by the fact that I thought maybe they would like me if I slept with them. In all honesty I was just curious and wanted sex.
So as I haven't talked to Gabe in oh two weeks and while it does feel like forever--it doesn't. 'Cause I didn't remember how long it was, I had to go check. And I don't want to see him right now. Here and there I wonder, I called him once, but honestly...I don't care. And I can't love a person I never think about.
This other boy though...well I can tell you right now I don't love him. In that way at least. I can tell you I've had a crush on him for the longest time. And I can tell you he's a great guy to love if I wanted to--but I don't think that'll be happening. With two weeks until he's gone (jeez I better get my time in with him fast) I don't much think I want to do anything.
On a small sidenote: I feel terrible about my friends and how I've been treating them lately. They call me all the time (the little social butterfly that I used to be, out every night) and leave me messages but I'm always at work. And I'm generally up for playing afterwards, but sometimes that doesn't work or sometimes I simply pass out when I get home. I've been working 14 hour days for the most part (5am-1pm starbucks, then 4-10 inta juice). I know that shouldn't be an excuse...and I know I'm going to miss these people when they leave...but I don't know what to do! Perhaps I'll call them more often. Perhaps I'll take the initiative rather than waiting for them to call. Perhaps I should just give up. I'm tired. And I'm getting a puppy. We're gonna call her Hannah Jane.
