10:16 p.m. | 2004-08-03
Lack Of Words; I Suppose
In response to...
look, i didnt mean to be a total bitch in that comment i wrote before. it just came to a total surprise to learn how you really felt about things. you were always so supportive and happy toward me - it just hurt me to read that you thought i wasnt smart and how you made a list of everything i borrowed from you and how it wouldnt ever be replaced and pretty much just advertised me as stupid and grubby. i also saw something about how someone searched for 'kristin mccall' on your page or something and how you made a big scene about it [it wasnt even me, i found out this thing exsisted yesterday]. obviously you werent going to love everything about me, and its great to see that you use your journal to write about how you really feel about your life and the people in it, but you couldnt have expected me not to react hurt/negatively when i read really harsh things written about me formulated in an often cruel manner. i know im a nice person. i know my intelligence has been awarded with great grades, scholarships and awards. and i know i borrowed a lot of your stuff, but i guess that just comes from growing up with 3 sisters and not having any money in my family - so for that i apologize, but i honestly didnt know it bothered you. im just going to reflect on the good times we had, because chances are we wont ever see eachother again in this lifetime - so why dwell on this stupid drama? have a great life, you deserve nothing less.from kristin
First off, I think if any of this truly had bothered me...I would have made a truly big deal out of it past that point. That week was...not positive for me. And that's ok, I have bad weeks.
You weren't a bitch. You were right in your placement because I can see how many of my words could be taken the wrong way. I can. Some of those things were untrue. Some of those things were said out of a type of spite, or anger, or sadness, and a lot of time: jealously.
As far as being happy and supportive towards you: I'm glad that's the way you felt. That's how I wanted you to feel because that's how (if you eliminate those random highs and lows I have) I truly feel.
The list was...a bad idea I suppose. I had just never had people like that around me. It's most likely because of your sisters (seeing your sister steal your shirt that first day BLEW me away). We came from different families, and for the rest of the year (reference: many other months I wrote in), I didn't care if you borrowed this, or used that, or whatever. I loved you, and that was cool. We were roomates and if you needed that--need it. Take it. Use it. My response to that was more to others than you. You always said thanks. ALWAYS. I made a point to comment on that at once point. For that, I say thank you. Because while things were being borrowed--I was ok with it.
Stupid and grubby: never felt that way. Sorry it came off that way. I really, honestly, never meant it to. And I can say that, because that's how I feel.
As far as being searched: that was just a comment to people to know that I do read addresses that visit. I dunno who searched for you, I didn't think it was you, to be honest. But the point of mentioning that was just to put it out there: saying, if you're there, that's cool. I hope those didn't come off as upset, 'cause it doesn't bother me, otherwise I'd lock it.
And you know...I did love just about everything about you Kristin. I was so fucking jealous that you were so cool, and had the best high school experience ever, and were so artistic, and had that kick ass handwriting.
You never ever bothered me. I suppose...if I said something I didn't feel or believe...why would I take the effort to go back and delete it? This is a record of my frustrations. And it generally tends to be that--not happy.
I honest to god have no negative memories of us. I have no upset (until today). I thought, because of how much I respected you, that things are/were ok.
I suppose I was wrong.
And in response to the last line...I'm not dwelling on stupid drama. I moved on. That was on October 9th. A fucking long time ago. I thought by not writing about it...I had moved on. I dunno.
I'm not upset, I hope you're not.
