12:22 a.m. | 2004-07-25
She Thinks I Hung The Moon
It was all in innocent fun, you see.
I went over there, we laughed, we joked, and we fooled around.
He doesn't have a girlfriend anymore, I swear. In fact, he's rather upset about the fact that she hasn't called him in a week. So I eased his pain by sleeping with him. Best part was? His brother was in the next room. I kept my self real quiet and by the end of the night I had neither taken home the art supplies (I lent him my paints and brushes) and Gabe had left his harmonica in my car.
I know you think I'm strange; boys with harmonicas? Really, it was sweet, I came driving up and he was playing it. A very nice song, in fact. But I suppose I digress...
I don't know myself, we're all aware of that. I do understand myself pretty well, though. So I suppose it baffles me when I find that I don't know why I'm doing something. My entire life has been governed by me having reasons to do things. A needs to be accomplished because then B can happen without C getting in the way of A. Everything has purpose. And now I fritter late hours away with a boy who has to be to work in the morning?
I suppose I find what I do acceptable, and alright...but...why do I do it?
He makes me feel pretty, he really does. He makes me feel worthy and loved and wonderful, and I like that. And I love it when he's loving in public, when he grabs my hand or kisses my cheek. It screams to the rest of the world what I want so many others to know: "this girl is worth it!"
Sometimes I wish I could know that. And ironically, though I can hear it and say it, I've never honestly believed it. Granted I've never taken any action to fix it (serious action that is), I still can't find myself happy with me as I am--as opposed to me in the future when I'm "fixed."
I never want to be "fixed." I want to love me for who I am.
Signing Off--Lauren
