11:46 p.m. | 2004-07-13
My Tears Hit The Floor For You; Time After Time
Have you ever fallen in love with a mirror?
Not a particular mirror I suppose, but this mirror just showed you the way you thought you should look?
It was perverse. The lighting was flourescent. I had worked all day and barely brushed my hair. I was wearing blue plaid scrub pants (compelete with gaping whole in the crotch), and a purple tank top, no bra.
Why did I catch my own eye? Why did I turn back, cock my head and go, 'when the hell did I get so hot?' Honest to god people, I surprised myself. I'm not particularly attractive, this much I know, but holy jesus! I was entranced!
Black circles and all, my pants hung low and my stomach peeking out, I felt sexy. And I loved it.
I think it's all in relation to the fact that I have a chance again. Lord knows I shouldn't be thinking about chances with this boy but I got balls tonight. I sent him a message (and by him I mean Gabriel) just asking if he was alright, etc. He said yes. Then I mentioned my new car (he always loved my father's car). Then I asked him how his lady friend and he were doing. His response?
"not well."
[Insert white boy cabbage patch dance]. I wasn't elated, but shit if I didn't feel good. 'Awww, care to explain?' sprayed from my fingers. He told me she never called him, I told him that I was sorry, he said he had to go and would explain later.
How can I revel in his pain? I mean I asked several people recently if it was ok to hate him. They said yes. I don't hate him. I still fricking want him. WHY? He's pretty, sure, and has grown so much older since the last time I had a real picture of him. But he's still the same boy, same old hat, same old hard hands and soft skin.
I want him. Bad. Yet I feel strong enough to get someone else. Issue? Yes.
Please. Someone help. Tell me I'm not crazy, that he's worth liking, because I want to so bad. I have a feeling instead I'll get "you've let him walk over you once...twice...you get my point." And more like "he's beautiful, and gives you the attention you crave; don't crave it, be your own attention." And all those things that tell me I should be a better person than I am.
Fuck.
I'm not perfect, people. I love him. And I'm trapped again, I did that one thing I said I wouldn't do. He's beautiful. And he thinks I'm not only worthy but attractive. He likes me and wants me. Sometimes.
Shit, how did I get this bad? When did I turn into a typical female, and since when do I need a man to be able to live?
Fuck this shit, honestly.
Signing Off--Lauren
