1:46 a.m. | 2004-06-14
"All This, Over a boy?"
About 20 topics trailed through my head today as I did things as to what this should be about.
Should I talk about my whole theory of cool, outing each and every one of us? Should I go into why I'm not worthy for anything? Should I discuss my frustration over the next year and what I'm going to accomplish?
I decided on none of those.
I decided I'd indulge you on why I think I'm falling--again.
The way he looks at me. The way he beckons me to his side, and cuddles with me under a blanket and then holds me tight. If I didn't want to kiss him, he'd be plenty satisfied to simply lay there with me.
The way it made me almost want to cry when I was going to leave but he simply tugged on my leg and held it so tight I couldn't leave. I felt wanted--so badly. I felt like he actually didn't want me to leave. But then--I did.
I hate the way I can't pick up the phone. This is...about the 5th night now that I've wanted to call him, should have called him, and didn't. And now I know I'm going to let myself wait until next weekend because I don't want to have to use his work as an excuse. I want to be forceful--and in my head it works. In my head I call him 2 days ahead of time and plan something, something I want to do. Or I call him that night and say, "You know what? I'm hungry, let's go get food."
What am I doing? I'm sitting here thinking, 'he mentioned he'd be done at 12ish with his plans, and maybe just maybe he'll come online and he'll say something to me as I frantically change my status to "online."' How low have I gotten? Why can't I simply pick up the phone and tell him what I want.
And more than anything--what I want most. I want him to come here. To my place. To my room, where we have complete privacy, no fear of his mother wanting to kill me, and a large bed. I want nothing more than to cuddle up with him in a king sized bed. Not some crappy old twin mattress. My soft, chiropractor enhanced, perfect mattress. I want to be on my territory for once. Why not.
I want to show off what a nice job I did, I want him to see my paintings that are on my wall, I want him to say "wow."
Will it happen?
Probably not. Most chances are I won't go to school next year, and I'll work and I'll feel the same way every Sunday night, wondering if it would be alright to call him, to see him, to get in his way. That's all I am to him, in his way. But everytime I mention it, he shoves it aside and makes me feel more special.
How was it that when I was in Boston I didn't want him, but now that I'm home I'm falling for all the same tricks again? How? I know those tricks, why do I love falling for them if it makes me feel like this in the end?
I need pizza. And ice cream. And a frozen burrito or two to make this all better.
Signing Off--Lauren
