1:03 p.m. | 2004-05-23
You Gave Me Your Heart I...Don't Care
So I started it.
I started to tell him some story about how I wasn't sure what I was doing, and all I do in life is run around holding open every opportunity I have.
This needs to stop. I told him that, not the whole relationship, but my behavior. He was honestly hurt. So, I guess I'm working my fingers out of that pot. Soon, I fear, I'll just have to stop calling him all together. Stop answering the phone when he calls. Just plain stop.
Another stride: I talked to, um, I think we labeled him boy #2...but I talked to him and made it very clear (and I really really really hope this is how it works) that we're just to be friends, nothing more. Score one for Lauren, I hope.
So, in essence, then, I've only got one really, that still has no idea. This is going to be the hardest of all, though. I barely get to talk to him as is, and you know, I may let this one wait a while. I talk to him maybe once a week, if that, and he's so incredibly sweet that I just couldn't take hurting him right now.
Simple as that, then.
I bought a new tv to make me feel better. Gabe and I saw a movie last night. Nothing happened. I don't like that, and I'll explain why:
Gabe and I have a special relationship. We're friends, complete platonic friends. We're emotional companions, he tells me about his mother, and his life, and I tell him about all of the fuck ups I've made. We talk philosophy. We kiss. So, I find myself pondering: what the hell makes this different from a "real" relationship?
One, there's no real commitment, there is one where we have to see, and are obligated to see, each other quite often. But we have no terminology. So, we have no title, so what? I pay for dinners, he pays for dinners, we split movies--honestly, from the way we act, we look like we're together. And I honestly don't want that. I love Gabe, and I want to be there for him, but I also know that I'm there to get several needs satiated (emotional, sexual, intellectual, etc).
And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything either. So, it's not that this "friends with benefits" thing is complicated, or wrong, or that we're screwing things up--it's more that, I'm in the kind of place where I don't want him anymore. Not for a relationship, anyway.
It's a crooked web, I suppose. And last night as he drove off and said "well, I'm going to go home now," I watched him go in the absolute opposite direction of his house. I didn't question it, I went home, climbed into bed, and made a very important phone call.
