late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

11:34 a.m. | 2004-05-09
Why Does It Seem The Days Get Shorter?

Paradise.

Absolute paradise.

I mean being trapped with my mother for 10 days wasn't exactly the greatest thing in the world (damn rental agencies and their abilities to not let me drive far far away legally).

But it was nice. Not a chance for complete and utter respit, but fun none the less. Perhaps pictures will be posted later.

Onto other matters: we have a slight conflict. We have the list coming back again. And by "the list" I mean the list of boys which I seem to have my fingers on or near or attached to. Basic interests. I mean I saw this coming...I just didn't want to look it in the face.

I knew I'd be coming home for the summer, and all these options I had been exploring would be opening up. Now I've opened them to the point where they're attached, I'm attached, and I don't know what to do.

What do you do when there's a boy, so wonderful and sweet and who had been rather cautious, but now seems to love you, can't be with you? And it's not his fault. It's your own. You gave him hope. You loved him so much and loved the way he made you feel so much that you just couldn't tell him what you felt was coming. What do you say to him?

"Sorry, but it really isn't you, it's me. It's just...see, we can't. And there's other people, and I..."

That's a horrid terrible excuse. I would never even think of using that for fear of hurting him. God this is gonna hurt.

Until I find a way to explain it to him I may just have to pull myself away. Tell myself no more. Until I can learn to love myself, there can't be anyone loving me. Because that's what got me into this mess in the first place: because I don't love myself I relied on others to give it to me, and when it comes from other partial sources, you never have enough.

Learn to love yourself, then others can love you.

I've spoke it and suggested it for years, but I've been a hypocrit all along. And now it's time to fix that.

Wish me luck.

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