late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

12:27 p.m. | 2004-02-16
He Loves Me

Word of the Day for Monday February 16, 2004

plaintive PLAYN-tiv, adjective:
Expressive of sorrow or melancholy; mournful; sad.

It's shit like that which reminds me that I don't want to leave this place. Colin is...amazing when it comes to talking with me. It flows, and it's about anything, and we can literally go from the fact that I suffer from the 'daddy didn't love me' syndrome to why Khrushchev never attacked the US when Kennedy landed in Cuba in literally 5 minutes. Or less.

I don't know how. I don't want to know how.

We spent more than four hours...actually...11pm to 4:30 am. Five and a half, I lied. And it was great, we were honest, and I was honest and not only that but I was honest in ways that I've never been honest in before. He's upset that I'm not honest in my life. He's right. I don't mind it though. I satisfy everyone around me, I satisfy everything in my life. No hate, more love, more moderate feelings.

That's not a lie, though, there are very few people that if I could I'd classify as "hate." And even upon sitting here for a few moments and thinking, I can't think of a single person.

It's a hard theory to pin down. And I am gonna listen to him. I'm going to be more honest, to myself alone. I'm going to say what I want and do what I want--more often.

Perhaps he was that big step, perhaps.

Speaking of steps, and where this whole thought came from, I got an email the other day:

I have to admit that I haven't been reading your diary long, but I went through the archive page and picked an entry with a title that I liked and I read it. I came across a few before I bumped into this one. It was the entry from January 9, 2004. I just wanted to tell you that it was one of the more amazing things I've ever read. I just wanted to say thanks.

It wasn't what she or he wrote. It was that it reminded me of that entry. Kept me thinking, and definitely still holds true as my eyes did tear up just a little. Or more than a little. Damn sentimentality. But enjoy the read, and read back I guess it was worth something. Maybe I am worth something.

Signing off--Lauren

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