late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

9:14 a.m. | 2004-02-03
If I Have Wrinkles When I'm 18--I'm Gonna Look Dead At 30!

Word of the Day for Tuesday February 3, 2004

languor LANG-guhr; LANG-uhr, noun:
1. Mental or physical weariness or fatigue.
2. Listless indolence, especially the indolence of one who is satiated by a life of luxury or pleasure.
3. A heaviness or oppressive stillness of the air.

I don't particularly like updating in the morning simply because all that happened the day before has been washed over by that foggy feeling of sleep, and nothing has yet happened today. I went to an 8am and took a test. Would you really actually like to hear about that? I think not. But I couldn't help it. Not that things have changed a ton, but I rediscovered one of my BIGGEST fears. I, people, am deathly afraid of debt. I honestly can't handle it. My bank balance was $100 the other day (and I have $50 coming from one source soon, $25 from another, and about $700 from another). There wasn't anything to be worried about--but my stomach was in absolute knots. Now that I've called my father, sent him the expense reports, talked to my mother, and it appears that I'm going to be getting even more reimbursement from the meal plan.

Things feel good. Not great, but good. Very adult like.

Random thought: I'm going to miss these people. They're entertaining as all hell. I've noticed it recently more because I noticed that even after a day I started to miss Jamie, and I haven't honestly talked to Colin in about 4 days, and I miss that, I actually miss him dropping by all the time. And then Ian went away...I miss him during that too. I don't want to have to leave these people. But as I stare at my dad's bank balance I can't help but feel bad. I know he hates debt too--and I don't want to put us anywhere near that.

Another odd thought: I was sitting on the bus thinking the other day (and talking with Ian about it) about whether or not my father and mother have changed. Admittedly my perceptions of them have changed slightly--I honestly think that they're a lot different than before. My father at the least. My mother's the same she's always been--always trying to overcompensate her lack of general common sense with numbers.

My father on the other hand has gone and turned wierd. I wasn't writing on this diary when he was the old way, and honestly it's a little hard to explain let alone swallow. Where my mother wants me to thank her, and tell her she was a good mom--I have problems saying that because of how she has been as of late (the last year plus). My father, though, I think I can say has been a pretty awesome guy. In the early years, sure, he had his priorities all out of whack (reminds me a bit of myself) where he'd work on grad theses instead of remembering to pick me up from day care. He was seperated--sure. He was very much there in infancy, though, and when my mother left us (this was a shocker I just learned), and he came back when I was 14 or so, but I didn't want to let him in. He'd hurt me too bad--missed too many things.

But the kind of caring he shows now, the adult he's turned into (I think that's the big change--maturity) is amazing. I might even be considering being close to him again. I don't know, I actually enjoy his company. I hope it stays this way. I trust him and I care for him and I like that.

Onto a day full of stuff I guess.

Signing Off--Lauren

p.s. I'm supposed to get my replacement stuff for my MP3 player in the next few days (second time they're trying to send it to me) so hopefully music as I walk will again be part of my life.

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