8:59 p.m. | 2004-01-15
When I Write Lists--I Write Lists
Word of the Day for Thursday January 15, 2004
serendipity ser-uhn-DIP-uh-tee, noun:
The faculty or phenomenon of making fortunate accidental discoveries.
I could honestly see myself coming home from work. Putting something on the stove, making myself a drink, cooking dinner, completely living alone and being me, with me. I don't know if I could actually accomplish it...but I assume I could. And that's what I want right now.
I'm afraid that by leaving Boston and going back to CU I'm going to be stopping any chance of that I could have. But in the same respect I have a feeling if I stay here at NU in Boston that things also will not change. That whatever rut I've gotten myself into here--I'll stay in.
I honestly don't think I'll grow here.
And that's not me avoiding staying, or deciding, or anything of the sort. But honestly, all of this has just been a jumble in my head. And I don't think that's fair to the people who are actually impacted by my decision. So, I'm going to go through each school and explain what I feel they have to offer me, or why I'd stay, or in some cases why I'd leave.
NortheasternUniversity
Pro's:
1) Boston. The city of Boston is a rather entertaining place. While I feel like I haven't explored the city as much as I could have. (We've made a resolution to do that...we being me.) I've loved the city forever, I still love the city, and I realize that I can come back to the city. And I also realize that I can only be a college student once. The city though is categorized as a pro because I love the anonymity of living in a city.
2) Jamie. She's a big factor of me wanting to stay in Boston. And I know she supports me wherever I go, but I'd still like to keep her in tow if I could. I'd miss her, I know I would. And I don't really know sometimes what I'd do without her.
3) Colin. As little as I want to put him on this list...I think I have to. We've had some discussions today. Of which I figure I'll share:
Colin: So what's with your constant debate on whether or not to stay here?
Me: the ordeal is that housing is due today, so...if I want to go here, and live here, then I have to decide today, get that payment in. Otherwise, I need to find another alternative.
Me: BUT applications are due in the next few weeks
Me: so, I'd like to decide now
Colin: If I weren't living with the furious three next year, I'd get an apartment with you if I could.
Me:*shrugs her shoulders*
Colin: Sorry. =(
Me: no, it's not a bad thing...
Me: that sounds really really nice
Me: like, all adult, and stuff like that
Colin: Yeah, exactly.
<
Me: CU wins, unfortunately
Me: and then I step back and ask what would be more fun...
Colin: Well I suppose that's your choice.
Me: and I can't put value on that
Colin: You'll never truly be happy here, I think that is evident.
Me: I don't think I'll be happy with the education
Me: I think that's my problem
Me: the people, are great
Me: the place, awesome
Me: the surroundings and everything it makes me feel, wonderful
Me: but the cost of the school, and the education it offers me...I dunno
Colin: Well I think I'll be the first person to tell you that the education is overpriced.
Colin: But with that said, I wouldn't trade it away.
Colin: My experience is different in that I'm not actually paying for it.
Colin: So perhaps I would feel differently if I were.
Me: exactly
Me: 35 thou...versus 0
Me: and I'd get half of the costs when I graduate
Colin: Then you gotta do what you gotta do.
Me: rather
Colin: But if I may be honest with you, and I hope you appreciate what I'm about to convey....
Colin: You will regret leaving here.
Me: Colin
Me: don't ever say ANYTHING about me regretting anything
Me: I don't regret
Me: it's not something I do
Colin: Maybe not yet.
Colin: College is when you make those lifelong friendships.
Colin: I thought that perhaps I had one in you.
Colin: I can't say I'm ecstatic about you deciding to leave.
Colin: But I respect you and your decision.
Me: that I'd lose you...or Jamie...or whoever else I have?
Colin: How can we continue to develop a friendship as on-level as ours?
Colin: Over AIM?
Colin: Don't listen to me, this is simply me being selfish.
Me: to be blunt and completely honest...
Me: I didn't know that there was that much of an attachment coming from you...
Me: I mean, I know how I feel
Me: I guess I just judged yours wrong
Colin Well there definitely is an attachment.
And that's where it was left. I guess that's a lot of a conversation to include, but I thought it gave off the vibe that I call "Colin." I think it explains who and what he is rather well. Also, I think it better explains my situation with him than I could have in my own words. I guess I'd have to leave him at some point, when he goes off to work for IGN, or when he graduates, or goes off and does whatever he wants to (since that's the kind of guy he is, his whims lead him, but he ends up hating himself in the end for it).
4) Ian. He made my list...just because I've started to care and worry about him so much. With Ian, though, I feel I could keep a relationship at distance. But I don't want to if I don't have to. I love the way he talks, the way he refers to me, and how he's just genuinely sweet. I also want to be there for him...because I have this huge feeling that besides his mother, no one has for him. He's the kind of boy who would easily latch to someone, especially because they offer him support. But ironically I think he's always found himself in relationships where he thought he could do that, but he ended up being their support. Which is unfair to him. So, in essence, I care.
5) Things will in essence be new while still being familiar. I mean, I'll know the area, the buildings, the faculty, where to go and what to do. Whether or not this is a good thing, I'm not sure. But comfort makes me feel good. That much I know.
Con's:
1) Northeastern shelters. Being around the same people and things can make me comfortable. I might be living in a dorm, I might have an apartment, but it wouldn't be my dream either way. I don't think I'd be completely satisfied.
2) The cost. an even bigger problem. While I did receive scholarships, yes, I didn't recieve enough to take the sting off of a $35,000 bill every year. And with my father being out of a job (no I'd never pick my college over my father), it makes it hard for him to do that. Also my costs are soaring (compared to Colorado) simply because the city is an average of 10% more expensive in everything.
3) The education. Ok, I'm not knocking Northeastern. You can get a good education anywhere. Really you can. I have faith in that--in the fact that there are teachers that are willing to teach, and have that passion. But, academically...it's not as high as other institutions. No I don't want to be "brand named" but it helps when job searching.
ColoradoUniversity
Pro's:
1) The education. The education at CU is tier two, verging on tier one. As per the Princeton Review. It's also rated #1 in the West. So, enough said, it's a good school.
2) The location. It's back in Colorado, which it's strange to say--but I miss the open. I miss getting in my car and driving County Road 13. I miss being able to just leave. To have that freedom, to be able to drive to a Wal-Mart!
3) The cost. The in-state tuition there is a mere $3,192. My housing would almost be as much as my tuition. How absurd. Here's the catchy part with the tuition--my dad will put half of the difference of the tuitions into an account, and place it into an account that I will be the recipient of upon graduation.
4) Current Connections. While I will be near my friends again, I can selectively choose who I want to be with. I don't have to take classes with those I don't want to, and even more than that I have the housing options of a house (with roomate[s], where I'd be the 'landlord') or a dorm room. Either way.
5) Jessa. My dearest, dearest friend. She'll be so close, literally 20 minutes away--and she can help with so much. Granted she'll be busy, I'll be busy, I think I miss my Jessa time, though. Especially since we've grown up. She's amazing. I love her. I miss her, but again, gotta make this decision for me.
6) Proximity. As much as I will not be visiting my family--a free meal from my dad here and there is very nice. And for all of those current seniors who I have found myself so attached to, I could, in theory, be closer to them. Though keep in mind people, it's #6 because it's not a huge factor.
Con's:
1) It's not Boston. It's not big-city and it's not the town that I used to live in. That's ok, but still.
2) See all of the things under Northeastern "pro's"
3) It has forced friends. I'd be close to people that I might not want to keep close. But it could teach me to be adult in the same effect. I could learn to say no. I could learn to push, but still--we both know that won't happen.
4) I'll be alone. Honestly, I plan to pull away from some people there. I'll live alone, most likely, though. And that's gonna be tough. I mean, I'll have to force myself to go to things, but it'll work.
That about sets it up--where my mind is, where I think I am. The transfer application is due today, so I'll get that done and in. I'm not worried. I'm not scared. I'm not thinking that this won't work out.
Colin and I talked again, while I was writing this (it's been a spread out 3 hour process) and he's better. I mean, I honestly never thought that he'd be that attached. Or that he'd be that upset about me leaving. And it came out much more when we just talked. I was really surprised. And honestly...it made me quite happy. I'm going to miss that boy...whether or not he goes to California permanently, gets stuck in school, or whatever. I'll miss him, a ton. I'll miss everyone else, of course, but I don't know. I guess--I just don't know. It's more of a sentiment because we've talked about it more than anything.
Good luck in any decisions you have to make. I'm sure you'll make them well. And you'll live with those decisions. I know I will too.
Signing Off--Lauren
