late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

4:42 p.m. | 2004-01-12
I'd Ingore My Entire Life If You Let Me

Honestly I didn't start this post because for some strange reason my word of the day hasn't come. Perhaps this will be a first without one. And no, I won't pass off yesterday's as today's. That's not cool people.

I feel strange today--in that I've heard a lot of things, whispered into my ear, said to my face, whatevered to me. And I'm not going to lie, almost every single one of them hurt. Whether it be because it was me reading the truth, or worse...people misunderstanding me. I guess this was the wrong place to put those feelings out--simply because people here don't understand me. You can read my entire diary (as I went back and did the other night)and not know me. Jamie put it best I have to say, to some degree...but I'm not about to go off on that. Like I said--I'm different.

And in that, I can't be upset at people who say things like 'this is just a teenage thing, hunny, you'll get over it.' Because I myself can't give them me, they don't know me, and they have no access to me. It makes sense, but I thought perhaps by placing that at the end of the entry things might be different. Wow am I far too nieve some days.

None the less, things have occured...such as: The new RING PAGE!. I mean it's not too exciting, but I created a ring, thinking about more, just kinda plotting around and looking at things I had been members of since the old days, but never put on my new templates. So now I put them on there. Maybe you'll understand me more. Maybe it'll make more sense.

And in a response to why we write these things--it's not so much voyeur...it's not so much that things could fall apart at one moment. It's my center. It's my Lauren time. It's all that I have that's me, it's what's behind the mask, and I'm allowed to show it because here it's couth, and these people don't know me, and I don't want them to. It happens as such, and will continue that way.

Perhaps more thoughts later...though chances are not.

Plans for the evening:
-reading
-dinner
-coffee and art shopping with Kristin
-some sort of FUN reading, involving perhaps a Stoppard play? Perhaps?

I feel the need to indulge myself, as dirty as that may make me feel.

Signing Off--Lauren

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