4:18 p.m. | 2003-12-03
Finally, I Find It Is My Fault
Word of the Day for Wednesday December 3, 2003
rusticate RUHS-tih-kayt, intransitive verb:
To go into or reside in the country; to pursue a rustic life.
Alright, now to get things a bit more started. Let's see where we left off...
Saturday:
So it all started off pretty well, woke up, did some cleaning, the like, nothing totally out there. Finished up some party stuff and then went to my mother's house. I took a shower and got ready, because I had told some people we would hang out today. None of that came to fruition, though.
Instead my mother and I went out to dinner at Macaroni Grill, we saw co-workers and bla bla bla. So while we're there, I'm sitting, crap, if I don't call Gabe now, I'm seriously not gonna see him, plus I wanted to hang out with Daniel, and if I didn't call him tonight it probably wouldn't happen. So I called the, both. I knew what I was thinking when I called Gabe, I called Dan--just because.
Bad decision on my part. But I talked to Dan and suggested a movie on Sunday, he obliged, things were good, yay. But I called and left Gabe a message. After dinner Colin and Tom called me and I was totally amped to hang with them, so we went and got coffee (Will ditched watching SNL with me here) and while we were sitting in the parking lot for the Wired Bean...Dan calls. So I'm all, ok, this is chill. I talk to him for a while.
He seems a litle sad, says he's "happy just to be a little bit happier just hearing me be so happy." Uh. Ok. So I ask if he wants to hang out. Here's where I explain vibes: The other night, when he left the party, he hugged me, and I hugged him, but he held me tight, and our faces got really close at one point...and I was just kinda confused. I thought nothing of it.
So Tom and Colin take me to his dorm, where he's meeting us, and we end up talking (all 4 of us) in the hall. At about midnight, the other two leave. I go to Daniel's room with him.
We just started talking and all, nothing wierd, in fact, I was just having so much fun I completely forgot about any kind of wierdness between us. In an affectionate manner though (damn me and my need to touch people) I rubbed his hand. He moved from the chair to next to me, I looked at his hands. In a very long process I ended up being pulled into a very deep hug with him, like completely enveloped, still kind of sweet, but...uh, ya know, also confusing. So I'm like, alright...and he starts teasing me by sticking his finger on my nose. I told him I'd bite it. I warned him.
Well, I got my mouth on it, but I bit it first, he didn't pull or react, and I said, 'well it's not fun when you don't play.' He doesn't pull back or anything, his eyes are closed, he's laying back. I don't do anything yet, but I bite farther down on his finger. No reaction. This boy must be dead. Though he's not stopping, and being that he is Daniel (known for his lack of experience with girls) I'm thinking, maybe he just doesn't know what to do?
Alright, so I very carefully start testing him, kissing his hand, then his palm, up his arm, and I go over my steps again before I do any kind of kissing on the mouth region. Here's my thoughts: ok, so this isn't a "friend" thing anymore, I mean, I wouldn't think so at least. Kissing arms isn't platonic people. I'm not stupid.
So I end up kissing his chin and I go to his neck, which he arches just a litte, ok, reciprocation, I think, I end up kissing his lips, and he responds. Though I'm not sure because of need or what. I mean he could have said no, WAY earlier even. I fear though that I've made it wierd. Damn me. Great part is--he hasn't signed on to aim in 3 days. Holy crap people. I mean he's not on all that often, but still. And he's not blocking me either, so I can't help but laugh because to me it's not a huge deal, and I'm afraid I've warped him for life by making possibly his first kiss this horrid rape story. HA. Oh well...So we didn't really talk about it afterward, he said he wanted to think, and I respect that, totally cool.
What's not cool though? Leaving with no hug. I pulled his ass out of his car and made him give me one, told him "not to let it be what you don't want it to be." And he left. Didn't even look over at me as we drove home and then parted ways. Huh.
Sunday:
I got home at 3, and I couldn't sleep, blame my conscience? So I uploaded the party photos (linked on the last entry), and went to bed at 5. Got up at 10, called Nicole and David, made plans with them and proceeded to get ready for the day. Ended up getting some stuff done, seeing Jessa before I left, getting my money from my dad, going over to David's (where I got serenaded and realized why I love that boy so much), went to Matt Stark's 'Welcome Home Salsa Party.' 10 months in Australia. Wow. He looks so happy, and more mature, and like he has things figured out. It's good for him. So we had the party, and at 10 I called Nicole and went and bothered her for an hour.
Packing. Yay. Well actually, I think I called Gabe, yes I did, and he told me that he was watching a movie, and he said he fell asleep earlier, so whatev. I told him to have fun, tried to hold my head up a bit and went on. Went home, talked with James (the most amazing girl in the entire world) and then decided to pack about midnight. I was just finishing and about to go take a nap when...dun dun dun! Gabe calls. So he's like, I want to see you before you leave. Aww. So I went and picked him up, we went and got coffee at IHOP, I'm starting to think when he says he drinks coffee, he means he doesn't. Heh. But we laughed and had a good time, and felt 40 together. Nice.
I went to drop him off at his house, and he didn't want to get out of the car, and I didn't want him to get out of the car, and...I just didn't want him to go or anything, but it wasn't the way it used to feel. I knew he'd be sad and lonely and stressed for 4 months. And I wanted to help in that. I can't from Boston. So he held me, and kissed my nose and told me thank you. He told me that I was one of the three people in his life who ever loved him, his mother, his father, and me. And I told him that he didn't need to tell me that, I'd love him just the same. I do love him just the same, it's not a lie.
I told him that I'd forget Lombardi's rule for once, 5 minutes early is NOT on time, it was for tonight that 25 minutes late was on time. I left in a hurry, threw my stuff in the car and travelled the entire day KNOWING that he would be ok without me, knowing that the boy I had met that had been so fragile was getting stronger. Go Gabe, good job.
I arrived in Boston and it's still a blur, it was about 3, Jamie was excited to see me, as were the roomies, (walked in to see the three stockings hung from the ceiling--interesting. But we chilled the rest of the night.
I've again got that 30 emotions thing at once going, it's mostly because I have so many "balls" in the air that I'm juggling and I get a different emotion from each. I need to work on that, actually, I don't, it'll all fall into place.
The vacation was nice, taught me to realize that the people I had known for 4 years were just that--people. They had their own agendas, and that is ok. Some of them have changed, some of them haven't. Some of them have succumed, some haven't. I'm busy being me and doing just that.
Speaking of busy...
11/5/2003-
World Architecture Paper Due (10 pages)
11/8/2003-
Music Presentation
World Architecture Final Test
European History Presentation
11/12/2003-
European History Final Paper
Music Final Paper
Oh yay.
