8:07 p.m. | 2003-11-09
Shopping List: Man, Marriage, Baby, Job, Life, Money...
Word of the Day for Sunday November 9, 2003
juxtaposition juhk-stuh-puh-ZISH-uhn, noun:
The act or an instance of placing in nearness or side by side.
Night after night
I looked at these stars
pondering
Why?
How?
When?
But the same thing happens
everytime
My lack of faith provides answers
That really aren't answers
No reason at all,
A combustion of gas,
A long long time ago
or even, we don't know
A lack of faith
In something surreal
My disbelief in a lie
has led me to find
that without that fait
There are no answers
And without that faith
I shall remain
For while unknown,
I do not live a lie.
I found that one in the back of an old sketchbook. Speaking of--I wish I could keep just one of those. I mean I only brought a few, but looking up at my bookshelf I see: 5 sketchbooks, all back to like 1998. It's crazy, none of them are finished, none of them arae very good, and none of them have very much of anything going on. It's frustrating.
Ok, so I'm going to try and re-cap that which was missed:
Friday:
We stayed in, and Jamie asked if we could paint, or said it would be fun to paint, or something like that. Strangely enough, I painted like I never have before, I didn't count out my lines, I didn't measure, I didn't pre-mix colors, I DIDN'T PLAN! I was sitting there just putting paint, not on a page, but on the canvas itself and just painting. It's horrid, maybe I'll get some pictures of it on here, heh, that'd be fun. But it's horridly ugly with all these colors, and my handprints (how 4th grade!) and I'm going to paint a Van Gogh quote on it: "Color in a picture is like enthusiasm in life." I enjoyed it.
Jamie and I then proceeded to jam with Ian, Darren, and Noah, then Colin walked in, I tried to get ahold of a bass for him to play--didn't work. Colin ended up getting stoned--something I'll talk about later, and Darren, Jamie and I watched Red Dragon.
Saturday:
I slept in, a little, but Melissa woke me up with all this noise at 11 like, why aren't you up? Dude, calm, chill. I went to bed late, can you blame me? But whatever, no deal, then Chris came over with Jamie (she had stayed over Friday night after the movie) and we went to dinner, during which Jamie goes: "I don't want to be bored and sitting at home staring at my siblings, wanna come home with me?"
So...I went home with Jamie. We met some of her friends, which is interesting, I thought since there were pretty close friends they might tell more about her, I mean they did show about who she is, though they weren't what I expected. We then stayed up until 4 am with her sister and her dad (who is deaf by the way) playing Phase 10, the coolest card game ever.
Sunday:
We went to Jamie's aunt's baby shower. Yeah, I didn't know anyone there, but it was fun, entertaining to say the least, got to see the insanity that is where Jamie came from. Yes. So we just got home at about 7:30 or so, and I've just kinda...I've got so much on my mind.
I went to that baby shower, that made me want a baby, someone just left my life, so I don't have love, and I'm going into this whole 'I'm ugly no one loves me or could love me' phase. Those hurt like no other, ya know? Just like every one else--I fear being alone for the rest of my life more than anything. I fear that failure. I fear that I'm ugly, and that I'm not attractive, and that I'm not smart, and that no one will ever ever ever want me. And I HATE thinking like that. Add insult to injury--we've been listening to Dashboard Confessional for the last two days. In fact, some of the songs that mean the most to me, yay. Read a girlie magazine made me feel GREAT! Ugh. I hate Seventeen, and CosmoGirl and whatever those things are, just NOT my style. But I'm done ranting...I need to fix some sort of code, but I don't remember what it is, oh well, I'll deal I guess.
Signing Off--Lauren
