5:53 p.m. | 2003-11-02
Can A 1-8 Really Explain My Life?
Word of the Day for Sunday November 2, 2003
internecine in-tuhr-NES-een; -NEE-syn; -NEE-sin, adjective:
1. Of or relating to conflict within a nation, an organization, or a group.
2. Mutually destructive; involving or accompanied by mutual slaughter.
3. Deadly; destructive; marked by slaughter.
Mutual slaughter. Ugh. That's a GREAT word. Anyway, I'm going to go back over a few days ago when I didn't feel as frustrated as I've ever felt, but I felt frustrated, most definitely. Here's what we went over:
1) Ian
2) Music
3) Architecture
4) Writing
5) Friends
6) Colin/diagramming people
7) Halloween
8) Personal Time (or lack thereof)
-and then a friend of mine posted this in my comments section: "Ok, so my question is - do you really need to understand everybody all the time? I know you want to, it's a "passion" of yours so to speak, you do it well and you like it. But do you really? Don't you ever want to just let go and not care about why a person is acting as they are? Maybe not, but if you ever do, it's ok, you can let go..."
Let's address.
1) Ian is still frustrating me, though in a completely knew and scary way. Whether or not he fails is not my agenda here, what is though is that I was speaking with Jamie the other day and she commented to me that she was in journalism with him and he had all these cuts on his arms. Later she said he was picking at them, and while I know he likes to pick scabs, he's kinda been in a dark place recently and I wonder, of course, where those cuts came from. He worries me for the simple fact that I love him, and I care for him, and I don't want him hurting himself or even worse being in the mental state that it would take to hurt himself. I'll keep an eye on this one. If I have to do something, I will.
2) The music thing has gotten a bit better, but it was kinda overshadowed by everything in the last few days, so I'll just about leave it at that, music still is music to me, not quite as enjoyable as normal.
3) Architecture. Besides the tools at my desk. It's no longer a part of me. I dropped it. Or rather I'm dropping it. I have the drop form for Manual Representation simply because I made a huge discovery. I don't want to do this for a living. This does not make me happy, this is not my passion. And if I'm not satisfied, why would I do it? I wouldn't. That's why. So this has brought me to places I'll explain later, but I'll probably go into Business Marketing or Project Management(yay) and possibly go back to Colorado for school. It feels better than I think I've ever felt.
4) Writing. It still frustrates me, I edited Gabe and I have to turn it in on Monday. But I can't really write anything new. It has gotten better, though. I found a storyline I had been playing with over a year ago, which was set in Boston nicely enough, and I worked on that one a little bit. It's starting to shape, though the first half and the second half don't match. I might have to completely re-vamp it and write it at one time, because my styles are so different now. I re-read the stuff I wrote the other day, though, I'm really starting to enjoy it, I usually hate reading my own stuff, but this isn't bad. Oh, and the edited version of Gabe will be up soon.
5) My friends. Well, I still miss them not being here. But at the same time that makes me sad because if I do go back to Colorado I'll leave some seriously cool people here. I don't want to let go of some of them. Especially Miss Jamie. She's amazing, she's fun, she's sweet, she's smart, she's quirky, and I just...I love her. David called me last night and he was all upset because Chapman was being an ass to him. What's new. I tried to comfort him the best I could, but he still seemed upset that I couldn't be there. I promised him a whole day of just David when I got home. I love him. I miss him. This whole staying or leaving thing sucks.
6) People. I'm not even going to go far into this, it's still a little too much to wrap my head around right now. But I am a little less frustrated with it. But I wanted to comment on what Jess left me on my message board: She asked if I ever get tired of it, or maybe I just want to let go. I'll answer just like I did there. I get silly, I don't think about people like that, I "let go." But the thing is, the only reason this was frustrating at all is because back at home I had people pretty much pinned, and those I needed to diagram further I could, because I had less people to do that to. Here, though, everyone is new, and not only are they new--but they're all from the East Coast or somewhere new. It's confusing as hell to have your world turned upside down like that. But I'm starting to enjoy it. And at the same time, I'm much more frustrated with Colin. Walking in and out, being random, whatever.
7) Halloween. It's over, what can I say. I wore a trash bag and tied trash to me and a sign that said "white trash." Jamie's idea. It was cute, but way hot, and on the whole Halloween note--with Jackie's hair spiked 2 feet in the air and all...I felt bad for Jamie because people were taking something she'd wear, genuinely, and they'd use it as a costume. Hopefully she realizes it wasn't anything meant to hurt, just something that they wanted to be, and when they thought of someone that could supply them with that it was her.
8) Fuck personal time right now. Actually, I got a lot better when Jamie and I just sat around and literally did nothing, all day. So I'm getting better, though yesterday I really wanted to go and discover a new T-stop (since it was Saturday) but my foot hurt so much. Ugh. Damn feet!
So I'm feeling quite a bit better. Liberated and all. But I'll be getting on top of things better, I have people to call, and papers to write, and just all that kind of stuff. For now though, I think I'm just gonna lay on the ground and smile. Take a shower. Smile. Get something accomplished. Smile. Yes sir, that's what I'm gonna do--smile.
Signing Off--Lauren
ps, I added some new pages--a new novel page (write a 50,000 word novel in a month!) and a Quiz page, yay!
