late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

3:57 p.m. | 2003-10-13
Eternity and Orgasms

"I don't like eternity; I like orgasms." Someone said that to me, and I just...I can't help but laugh. It's hilarious. It's so true, and just, so base. But it's so thoughtful at the same time. Wow.

---
I'm frustrated. My stomach feels like I did something wrong, like I'm guilty of some crime. But, I've done NOTHING. It almost feels like it did the day after with Gabe, but not to that extremity. I miss Gabe. Fuck, can't think like that.

Certain boys in my life are starting to bother me. Namely Ian. He's gotten into this pissy boy mood, I don't know what to think about it. Seriously. Sometimes he's so cool, but other times he just completely shoots down whatever you're talking about. I'm sorry, that's just not cool, you can't talk to me like that, I may be a pushover, but you can't make fun of me. And if you do...well I'll do absolutely nothing about it but cry to myself. And I would think that you wouldn't want to go about hurting me, but fine, fucking fine. You do that. There's such pressure on me right now and I HATE it.

It's not pressure that I can't handle. I can handle this, that's not the deal. I just, I don't want to deal with roomate banter, and people hating me, and boys liking me that I can't have. I've never explained someone in here, I've kept him completely secret. More because...well he could possibly be the most perfect man ever. I don't know how to start...

We met a few years ago, and we were kind of a thing for a little while, but he moved to Arizona to go to ASU, he's like 4 years older than me. So he went to ASU, and I stayed in Fort Collins of course...but we talked over the phone and things started to get really really...I don't know, we started to really care for each other. We had a falling out one night, though, as he called me and said "it's snowing." I was like, 'you live in Arizona, and it doesn't snow in the part of Arizona that you are.' He says back, "I'm not in Arizona, I'm driving to Colorado." Holy crap. I freaked out on him completely, I told him that it was a jackass move on his part and that he should have never done that. I was dating David at the time, and this just couldn't happen. I scared him. I didn't really know it, but he was in love with me. Seriously and truly devoted. And I found out later that I was in the same position, I was really truly in love with him, which as some of you know, is really difficult for me. I'd never ever talk about him to anyone though.

That night he told me to take him off my phone. I cried for days. I totally freaked out that night, thank god my mom wasn't home because I was just sitting there sobbing, I cried more than when Ryan died. I was totally and utterly destroyed. I didn't take him off my phone until one day I accidently called him and noticed that it had called for around a minute. I deleted it that day. Both of us, though, never took eachother off of our buddy lists. We didn't talk for 3 months, and it hurt so bad, every time I saw him online I just hurt.

We started changing our names online, and from there he first started talking, but one of the first words out of his mouth was "no more phonecalls." I hurt him. I didn't know I could ever be that important to anyone to be hurting them with my absence. So we talked, and one night (about two months later) he yelled at me for not being the same. I freaked out, I told him, 'how the fuck am I supposed to be the same if you aren't. How can I act that I don't love you, I'm pulling away because I care so fucking much that I can't stand hurting you again.'

Guess who I'm talking to now. One day, after I moved here, he says, 'call me.' I told him I couldn't because I didn't have his number, he gave it to me. We talked for hours. I didn't care if I was wasting daytime minutes. I missed him.

We talked on and off from then and now it's gotten kinda serious, everytime we talk it's like I'm in love again, and that hurts, when he's 2000+ miles away? I can't do long distance anymore. I won't let myself. But I love this guy so much. I don't know what to do, I mean I just...I started to cry the other night when he complimented me, and he said it tore him up inside to hear me cry, and the way he talks and just...I can tell he cares but it confuses the fuck out of me because why the hell would he care about me? Daddy didn't love me. It's where it all comes from. So we talked three seperate times last night.

He cares.
I need that.
I want that.
I can't have him.
That sucks.

I have to study, but I might add more later. This whole, 'I can't love myself enough to be loved' thing is starting to really erk me. Damn it. Someone leave me love. Tell me I'm fucking special, or smart, or not alone or just, WHY?! Ugh, oh and how long do Sea Monkeys live? Still haven't gotten that answer...

Signing Off--Lauren

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