1:43 a.m. | 2003-10-06
Jesus, Lined Paper, and Boys
How the FUCK am I supposed to stay sane and strong when I read things like that. I just got preached. Full on preached people. Now, my views on God and all that stuff are pretty straightforward, not too hard to understand or anything.
I'm NOT going to push them in your face like they're right. I'm not going to do that. That's not my belief. I think God is amazing, I think that he gives so many people faith and strength. But, I don't think he exists. So many people can fall back on him and say that's why, it makes me feel better because, that's why. Gabe was that way, or is going that way, he's trying to find God and trying to find the better path and you know what? Yay for him, do that, go, be a messenger, fulfill your "job" on this earth. Really, do it.
But, I repeat, DO NOT preach to me. You have your faith, I have mine. And in my faith, I believe in me, I'm that supreme being, I'm the one to follow. Don't put someone else there and tell me that "he loves you, he wants all that's good for you." Oh and better..."Don't think because of your past he can't accept you." OH lord.
Connie preached to me, she gave me this note, it said on it "read when you're really down or in need of some serious loving." So I'm sitting here, just been completely dissed by a boy and I'm like, ugh, time for a read, maybe I can hang it on my wall and it will make me feel better. Nope, didn't quite work out that way. Instead every 'he' in the letter is written as 'He.' Go for your faith, but I could have sworn she knew that I wasn't a huge friend of Jesus. Great guy and all *thumbs up* but he ain't for me.
Makes me think that she and Gabe sit down and talk about all the things that God could do for me and save me from and blah blah blah, and sure it's selfish to still be interested in him, but fuck, I don't care. I think I'm letting go simply because I can never have him. He's devoted, even when he's being a "bad boy" he's devoted. He believes. And there is no way he's switching over, at least not until he's 40. And I ain't waiting. So this will be a source of strength, he's not gonna like a girl who doesn't like Jesus, or rather doesn't follow him. So I shouldn't be after him.
Heh, how come all of the nice boys are church boys, fuck that man. Too many of my interests have been caught up there, but that's the main problem, that they do have that belief and not that it makes them any weaker, just makes me not possible in their eyes.
My roomate got some, Jamie is getting some, and me...I'm sitting here and not getting any. Not getting any sucks. I want to go back to not caring but where am I stuck? Careville. Screw that, no longer, if a boy likes me, yay for him, I'll be interested. If not? Too bad. I'll deal. I shouldn't rely on having another person in my life as that final part that I need. And that's a happy thought, yay for strength.
Onto bigger and better, like building models that I really haven't started. Yay for 0 sleep. Let's at least get this one right.
Joy.
Signing Off-Lauren
