9:28 p.m. | 2003-08-22
A short trip to Golden and the frats it involves
I'm sitting in Jessa's dorm room, Connie's on the floor, Jessa's on her bed. They're taking naps before we go out to some supposed frat party. I don't know what to think really. Here's why in general:
I was at Gillian's last night until about 4:30 in the morning, and didn't really go to bed when I got home. I don't know what to say, I just, I'm kind of tired, but it bothered me a little bit that 1) he didn't call me back, and 2) I didn't really agree to going to church, but I may end up doing it, but why...here's my thoughts on the situation.
On one hand, I want to show him that I'm willing to give anything a chance, on the other, I don't want to do anything to offend him or myself and I have a feeling that when I don't enjoy it (which I probably shouldn't be assuming that I will) he'll be upset that it didn't change me. I have a feeling he won't act it, and it won't be drastic, but, I still think it'll be like, 'oh...it didn't work, ok, I guess.' I don't want to leave him with that taste in his mouth, but then again, what do I Want to leave him with? I don't want to manipulate what I come off as so that he doesn't know me. I'd like to come off as me--if I can.
It makes me confused, and I just, well the thing is upon looking back on these days it's obsession, Gabe, uh, Gabe, Gabe, oh yeah and Gabriel David. What am I doing? My heart doesn't feel wrapped up again, it doesn't, but I act like it does. Is that a fair impression to give off? Perhaps it's just the only entertaining thing in my life right now is this. I don't know, it doesn't matter, whatsoever. And I'm sick of this, I'm just going to go read some funny Dosage or something...I don't know...I don't care at this point either.
Be well...
Signing off--Lauren
