10:27 p.m. | 2003-07-30
It's like panic, in words
Stop. Go. Stop. Go.
Green light. Red light.
I don't know what to do, I want to call Gabe but at the same time, I don't. I have my dad's car tonight, which is a 1997 Saab 9000, with turbo and all the extras and it's sexy, and I want to drive him in it...and he just signed on. No answer so far. What am I doing. I shouldn't care. I should be sitting here thinking, eh, whatever he wants to do. It's sad that I feel that way, that I have to hang on every moment. It's just, my mom gets home at 11:30, I have an hour to leave the house at the least, and I have dad's car. And it's sexy. I want to use it. I tried driving around by myself, it didn't feel good, at all. He's offline, I wonder when that happened.
That's it, I'm sitting here telling you his habits of getting on and off and it fucking hurts. He doesn't care about me, why do I want him to come under my window again and sing? And why when I say that do I get all teary eyed. I hear a car outside I want that to be his, so bad. It's not, I know it isn't, but I want it to be. I want him to smile at me, and I want him to pull me into a hug I wanna fucking feel like someone cares.
It's that traditional feeling that every person gets, their biggest fear is not being loved, but here, it's that same fear of wanting to be loved and never getting it, mixed with a possibility that would never come true.
Now I sit here and I'm thinking, mmm, I'll go get some food, it'll make me feel better. Shit, what am I thinking, it won't change a thing. I mean it makes you feel better for that second, good thing is I don't feel really really horrible about it later.
I don't know if I could stop myself, rather, if I'm going to stop myself. I think I'm just, done. I have the car at least until Tuesday, and he can meet me somewhere in there. My mom does leave Monday. Maybe I'll let it wait. At least that makes me feel better for now, I'll have to deal with that Monday thing later. It's like I'm setting myself up, but oh well.
I'm gonna go enjoy my night, not just sit on here, get some food, sit here and just go :P Enjoy y'all...
Signing Off--Lauren
