12:09 a.m. | 2003-07-29
The 5 finer points of thinking
Log on--Log off--Log on--Log off
It's like a GREAT song I once heard. Wow, and speaking of music, I found out something today. I picked up my CD binder from Nat; he was leaving for a hiking trip with some buds. But I picked it up, because I had been craving some new tunes, and Jess and I are going to the art museum tomorrow, so we'll need music. Or not. We talk, a lot. But I realized how music can make me smile. A ton even. It's my expression, and singing along is so much fun, and I don't care what people think. When they look over and see me jamming out and screaming at the top of my lungs, I look over, smile, and go right back to singing.
It was good to get a break, though. I forgot how much I loved this stuff. And it's just so comforting to be back in its presence. I love music. And I haven't really gotten that across, but I have over 200 CD's that I currently own, and I've bought way more, I just, I used to be really bad when it came to keeping CD's. But, I love music, anything; I have Latino Jazz to Ludicrous, and Sinatra to Pink Floyd. It's nutty.
Well, music is my next love, so, I'm satisfied, and it makes me happy. It'll distract me for now, because I've come to some conclusions about Gabe. I sat there crying last night, to the point where I was sobbing, and I thought of some stuff.
1) He used me, whether it was just for sex, or in his more innocent way of feeling wanted, needed, and accepted. I was used. When he told me I was sexy, he didn't mean it. He knows when you tell that to girls, they melt. Not to mention the age of girls he's around, we're all the most vulnerable pieces of work ever.
2) He has some serious problems, and he doesn't know about them. He says that what he hates the most in life is when I girl rips his heart out and tugs him around without any regard for it. I almost had the nerve to say, you know what Gabe, that's exactly what you do. You're a heartbreaker, Gabriel David.
3) I'm not sure if I can be in a friendship with him because he exudes nothing that says he cares. Perhaps it's the length of time; perhaps it's the fact that I think he's too good for me. But I don't feel it. I can not talk to people for years, and still think that they care about me. I've known him for a month, and even though we talk rather often, at least on here, I don't get that vibe. I feel bad about that.
4) I'm not going to make any decisions or take any action unless I have to, and this time, I'm acting for me. I'm gonna put me first, and I'm not going to take baggage like this to Boston.
5) I feel empowered when I explain things like that. I sat here in bet, speaking out loud at a pillow, that I was laying with, and I just started telling him how rational I've been, and why I've been at times irrational, and why it's unfair that he does what he does. And why I'm not upset at him, or with him, just, I want to help. It made me feel good, I woke up like 6 hours later, before my alarm went off, and I felt good. It was creepy.
So that's the extent of thinking tonight, I'm excited about a day with Jessa, and talking to her about how he treated us the exact same, we both liked him, he liked neither of us. I don't want people like him to hurt anyone else. I'm gonna put my foot down. Sleep well, World.
Signing off�Lauren
