late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:39 p.m. | 2003-07-26
A surprise double and invitation...

10:39 exact, and Gabe and I are thinking about getting a pizza ordered to his place, and then eating it there. His parents are there, who I really want to make peace with, and make sure they don't hate me. That's a long story as is, and now he's like, well I guess she's going to bed, so we can't or whatever. And he's pissed his mother was just doing this to spite him. I can't believe a mother doesn't love her child, but she sure as hell plays favorites. Anyway, I feel better, he told me I was right, about not loving himself or seeing the others around him who care for him, just focusing on the one person who doesn't.

There's one reason I know that by the way, I live it.

I want to go somewhere with him tonight, and I kinda feel like it's going to happen, I don't know, see the problem is, he's so fucking much like me I care for him. Ugh, I want better for him than I live, and even though I may not be able to change myself, too ignorant, too lazy, too whatever, I want him to be better.

Now we're not doing anything. That's cool though, I almost didn't. I mean I really didn't want to go over there, at all. That place makes me, sick or something, I mean that kitchen, the thought, or just, I don't know, what I did. It's all so confusing, I want to be there, and I really don't know if I want to do "anything" with him, maybe just talk. I like talking to him...he listens.

I just realized that doing the pizza thing with Gabe would have hurt a lot, he would have been using me again, like cleaning kitchen, I'd be buying food. Next time we're at least going out to eat.

Speaking of Boston...nice transition, I know, I'm the master of smooth. I wonder some days if I can get guys there, I mean, I'll be in a more receptive environment, school. And Northeastern is the party school, joy, I'll waste a few years doing that. But still, makes me wonder. I don't know, lordie we're NOT going there tonight. Alright then, I'm gone, confused, and gone.

Signing Off--Lauren

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