11:31 p.m. | 2003-07-21
Pre-Double and tired already, damn
I have a double tomorrow. I got new shoes. I miss Gabe.
That's so pathetic of me, I found myself taking off my sheets and cleaning my room this morning and thinking "ooh, I need to wash these first so when Gabe comes over they'll be on and clean." He won't come over. I know that, or at least I think I do. I didn't think of him at work, that felt nice. More than that, though, it got bad on the way home. I was thinking about hoe I should change my name so that if he happened to be online he'd know my house was empty.
That's so sad, my name 'Lauren (while the mother is away the children will--take extra day shifts?)' I even pondered and decided to put the day part it, it means my nights are open. It screams desperate. I hate it. I hate myself and yet I'm not changing it. Why?! It hurts.
I shouldn't think 'the house is empty, now Gabe can come over at any time and leave, and I can be tired for work.' I should be hoping to have fun alone, or hang with people I normally don't, or even just hang! This is so retarded, I'm stupid, and I hate it. I just need to leave it alone, I need to run away. I've been good though, haven't called him, talked to him or anything since I gave him his ring, I'm gonna go look at what day I did that.
I'm done, keep going, be strong, love yourself.
Signing off--Lauren
