late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

11:07 p.m. | 2003-07-10
A bit of interlude with a story, or a start of one...

So last entry was 3:20 AM, wow, that was kinda sad, and actually I wrote it as he talked to me online. Though, I forgot to mention something, I like writing, and I like to write short stories with sad sad endings. But last night, when I was at the Wired Bean, I started to write something, and it's not normal for me, I normally do story story, and I'll put some of that on later, but this was just kinda random babble...so hopefully it's interesting? You never know...anyway, enjoy the taste:

There seemed to be no reason for their random meetings. Not that there had been many, it was just that they followed no pattern whatsoever. Not only that, but they were confusing. Lauren could easily see how so many girls had fallen for him, and now she was going. Even though she recognized it, it was like it was a struggle completely in vain. It was the hints, that�s what she figured at least. I mean it didn�t bother her that he tested her by burping in her face, that wasn�t anything new, she knew he didn�t mean it, and that once they were in a relationship�she paused at that thought. They weren�t in one, and they weren�t going to be, yet, for some reason she kept talking about the future.

Not one to fall in love easily she found it difficult to believe that she was seeing him in all these ways, she blamed that one on the fact that he was really open as a person. But it wasn�t like that was all, he just, he understood her, maybe. No, she knew the real reason. It was obvious, she was sure, and once she stumbled upon it she almost wanted to smack herself. She liked him that way because she understood him, and he gave her credit for that. At least that was one of the big reasons. I mean it didn�t help that he was completely sexy and buff, and had told her that she was sexy, and said nice things, and smiled, and asked her what she was thinking about, and paid attention to her, and had great music taste. Sad thing was, that still wasn�t all. It made her cringe when she thought about how she could never actually have him, like he was completely off limits to her. She wasn�t pretty enough first of all, she knew that, she felt bad about that, she wished she could do something about that; she also wished that a guy could get past that and like her for the person she was, which he had said she was sexy, could that mean anything else? Oh wait, yeah it could, he wanted something more than just a kiss from her. She had given him that, kind of willingly, in a sort of way. I mean he kissed her, and he took off his clothes, and she followed, and eventually he had his hands places, and then her mouth went places, and then the words came out of his mouth, �let�s have sex.� Her first response was no, but she wanted to be loved and just appreciated so much, so she said yes. They had only actually gone through with it once, they did less than that a few more times, and he seemed to be pleased, and they did spend hours just lying together, but it seemed that, she didn�t know why, but he just didn�t like her.

She could accept that he just wanted some sort of sexual pleasure, sort of. She had asked him one night, kind of bluntly and a bit inebriated how many friends with benefits he had, he paused, she asked again, just an estimate, 4? 396? His answer was still shocking, 20ish. He actually said 20ish, first of all that�s a call for help if she ever heard one, second, she was one of those twenty now. 1/20. Not that the odds bothered her, but, she had seen pictures of his ex girlfriends, they were all pretty, and he was definitely attractive, so he could get just about any girl he wanted. Then, why did he go for that 1 out of 20, why not for another one, she was positive the other girls had to be prettier, at least most of them. Not that what they had done had been mind blowing, it just confused her as to why he would call her. I guess he hadn�t really called her that last time, she had found him, and he had mentioned he was hungry, and she had mentioned that she did offer him a dinner sometime, and it just so happened he was hungry that night. They went to dinner, saw some of her friends, and eventually ended up at his house. She felt kind of whorish every time she thought of herself and what she meant to him. Thinking about how she was a one out of twenty that had been used, though she almost felt better, like maybe she offered something to him.

Somewhere in the back of her head she knew, she was nothing to him, she didn�t actually have anything, besides the fact that she was so giving that she�d listen to him for hours as well as buy him food, and take him places and, there were plenty of other things. She�d always laid herself out there like a floor mat for others to wipe their feet on, because of course afterwards, their feet were clean. She laid herself out there, how could she blame them for using her, then? How would that be fair? Well, thing was, she didn�t blame them, she wasn�t upset at them at all in fact, she was upset at herself for letting it happen.

She had met a few true friends that way, a few. More than anything she wanted to be able to say, �I�m friends with Gabriel.� Not even to be able to push it farther and say I�m having sex with him, or to say that I mean the world to him. She just wanted to be able to be close to him, because he truly was an incredible guy, truly. She was leaving in a month and a half. And at the rate they were going right now, there was no way they could have that. I mean, they knew quite a bit about each other already, but a relationship like that takes time to push into talking to each other regularly, and keeping any kind of contact. She was growing up, she was moving thousands of miles away, to a big city, she was going to Boston. He was staying here, but he had a job with a heating company�driving�a truck. Not like he didn�t have promise, he did, he was smart and motivated and accomplished everything he wanted to. But he refused to go to college and not know what he wanted to do for a year or two, he wanted to know. He wanted to sing. He wanted to work for the military as a sniper. He wanted to be so many things that, he was nothing. And it wasn�t that she held that against him, it�s just that they were completely opposite people. Perhaps same in childhood, and in mental capacity, but as far as future went, they were too different. She was made for the big city, she couldn�t see herself living in that town anymore. It was too pristine, and people took time too slow, and they just, they didn�t understand her. She was sure to be a bit out of place in the city, but not like that was a new thing to her. It could almost be guaranteed that at some point she�d put on her cowboy hat, a tank top, and some older jeans and walk around like normal. Sure people would stare, but that was her, different. Not like she had a place, she just needed to try and find a new one.

It had taken her by surprise when summer hit, she had nothing to do. She tried to get a job, but in the search the only one that became feasible was the one that started half way through. But until then she just kind of, didn�t know what to do with herself. I mean it wasn�t like she didn�t have friends, she had a cell phone full of people she could call, but it turned out that all 60 people that had been with her the last year had left her socially inept. She could go out and party, once the party had already started, and someone had taken her. She couldn�t just call up people and see what they were up to, and go he, come hang out with me or something. She needed to start that soon. After graduation parties, and she had given Gabe her number, she found herself, falling away from everyone, maybe she thought, she should make a list. Then Gabe came into the picture, and he distracted her thus far for a few weeks. She wanted someone at that point, someone either being a boyfriend or just someone she could call up at any point and just say, �hey, let�s hang.� That�d be too cool, though, she�d have to have a way of doing that, she didn�t. She felt so tiny most days, so young and yet so mature, and here she was going off to this huge city with this big school and she wasn�t even so sure in herself that she could do it?

Growing up was scary, and she admitted it. She actually had never had sex until Gabe, he was the one who took her virginity, and that was fine with her, she had no qualms there, he pushed her to a new place. She felt more adult, sure, but, not that adult. Left to her own devices could she do it? She missed him, every time they were together, she would be stuck on him for about 3 days, and then it�d sort of start to go away, she�d stop obsessing, but just a little. She had never truly believed to herself that men would do anything, I mean in some circumstances, but she was one out of twenty, remember. Why couldn�t he have just left her? Completely walked away and just never ever called her, or answered her calls or just�why did she have to be so torn up over it? It wasn�t that he was her first, as far as sex goes. Maybe it was just that he was the first guy who had ever said things like that to her. That had told her she was sexy, not just pretty, but sexy, who had told her that she understood him so much more than anyone else. Maybe she should just let it go, follow the old rule of play hard to get. That was her decision that night, no more phone calls, you can talk to him only when he contacts you, and no desperation, none. He has girls he can go for, and if he wants some easy satisfaction, he can go there. If he wants something that means a little more, and is from someone that cares a bit more, though, then he could call her.

It took strength, for her to sit there at 9:45 on a Wednesday night and not call him, to sit there and go, �ok, I don�t need him, I can entertain myself and not be a complete retard. Maybe she�d just have to become way more into music, or call up one of those friends. Maybe. She�d call Liz, that was her final decision that night, she would actually make a list of people and call them. She�d get her chores done, and go to work, and hang out with fun people. Maybe that would work, and she wouldn�t end up crying that he wasn�t there.

She wasn�t sure what his feelings for her were, well she had a guess, but she hadn�t gotten them confirmed, though she always only seemed to think of it like that, not really about what her feelings were, maybe because she thought they were exactly what she thought. Though, when she actually put some thought into it, they weren�t. She wasn�t sure what she wanted from him. Giving him pleasure made her happy, and it made him happy too, she thought at least. And she would be completely satisfied with a relationship that was nothing more than that, random satisfaction when he needed it. Though, on the same exact side she would be willing to try and be something more with him, in fact, she liked that idea, she just kept getting it out of her mind because she didn�t feel worthy.

Not that it was good for her, but talking about what she had done, made her feel better about it, and made her feel cool, like she could still live in the moment.

She didn�t get to call Liz the next day. In fact, she came home at one point and he called her again, and invited her over. It�s almost worse in a way, but they didn�t do anything. In fact, they weren�t even in the same room. For some reason she cleaned, she cleaned the kitchen that had to be the most disgusting thing she�d ever seen. Surely cleaning made her happy and satisfied, but it wasn�t like she had just done it for a friend, and granted she had agreed, even suggested to the terms of him being downstairs while she cleaned, she still found it heart wrenching that she would do something like that again. That will, had crumbled in seconds. She had been so steadfast and yet the second he said, �still don�t want to be at home?� she fell, and hard. She needed to learn a big lesson, maybe this was important maybe it would be her first difficulty like that, and maybe it needed to be learned. Though, there was absolutely no fun involved in the process.

That seemed to be the deal at the time, though, it wasn�t fun when she sat there thinking about it, but in all reality she still wanted to call him, it still made her happy when she was with him, even when she was cleaning she wasn�t thinking of what she was doing, she was singing, and smiling and just generally happy. It didn�t seem fair to her, for her to be the one chasing, maybe it�s because she�d never been chased, but it still didn�t seem fair. She figured that there was no way just to completely let him go, so instead she�d go about her own life, she�d call her friends, and if he called, she would talk to him, if he asked her to come over, she�d ponder how long it had been. In fact, he had only really asked her to come over once, the other times they ended up somewhere, not been asked. She had to remain strong, be the good one, she would fall she was sure, but she was gonna make it better.

That's the end...for now at the very least, I generally don't write stories about me, or ones that are going on as I write them, but I might add more later...

Signing Off--Lauren

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