late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

3:20 a.m. | 2003-07-10
it's 3 AM and I just cleaned a kitchen...

I haven't gone to bed yet. But I did go to Gabe's house, in fact, I crumbled. I called at about 10, and he's all, uh, well I'm gaming, and I was like, yay for you? So I go to wired bean and feel completely rejected, then I get kicked out of there at closing, and I go home, where he goes "still wanna not be at home?" My answer was pathetic, I completely crumbled. Worse than that, he's all, well I have to clean, and my ex and I are talking at 12:30, so I'm like, ok. I ended up cleaning his kitchen, which was sadly in quite a disarray, until 2:30. I don't know why I do it, I mean cleaning is therapeutic for me, but...I think I didn't do this for that. I did this to be wanted and needed and...this hurts, a lot. God I don't know what I'm doing anymore, it's sad but cleaning is a signal of my life going out of control. There'll be more to follow, I'm sure. I can see why some people just feel so bad when they're in or out of relationships, it hurts to be pushed around like that, and take it none the less. I'm done, I'm not gonna cry, and that's it.

Signing Off--Lauren

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