6:39 p.m. | 2003-07-03
Some babblings with a smile
Not that I ever meant it to be a daily thing, but it's coming rather easily. Last night was a lot better. I, well I found myself smiling for a real reason and it just kind of made everything that happened that day...go away. And that kicks ass.
Anyway, my mother tried to buy my love today, yay, and it kinda worked *look of shock* Tsk tsk to myself, I know. But she offered a pedicure! I mean come on people, so of course I took it. We proceeded to dorm shop, yay, and I got this gorgeous micro-suede tan duvet. Oh my god, I almost thought I was gonna cry it was so pretty. But anyway, I'm on my way to being the NICE Martha Stewart of the dorm rooms, and that's pretty cool. Plus she went and bought me like $200 in clothes, which is always nice. But hey, I'm all about the free stuff.
I don't want this just to be an update though, so I'll continue onto more important things. One of the most influential moments/experiences of my life was with a friend named Ryan. Ryan and I had met a while ago, jeez, it was like 2nd grade. Our parents had worked together, and so it wasn�t weird that we hung out. I don�t know what it was about him, maybe it was because his parents were just as retarded as mine, and that�s fun ya know? So we got along really well, and we started hanging out even when we weren�t forced together, which was really really nice. Plus we lived like 4 doors from eachother so we might as well have lived together anyway.
So we got along well, and it came that 7th grade had changed us a bit, we had never gone to the same school, and we didn�t now, but with this whole change, the lack or recess and all, we felt grown up. We took it upon ourselves to start a relationship, we were officially a couple by the start of 8th grade. Now this was cool, I got to be really popular because I had a guy, but we didn�t go insane because we saw each other 24/7. And in fact, I think that�s what makes the basis of every relationship for me today. I�m ok in a relationship if I didn�t talk to that person that day, or if they decide to *shock* spend a Friday night away from me, I can deal.
So things were pretty cool, and I don�t know if you can really call it a relationship, I still don�t call it my longest one to date, but we dated until he had to move away in the beginning of 10th grade, 2 years. Which I mean hey, for my age, not bad. But anyway, the real reason he had an impact on me was less of what our relationship was and more of the fact of how he left it. It was August and his father had just told him they were moving to Montana (damn you HP and you infernal moving techniques) and that he�d have to pack up now. So he moved before the school year, and we ended our official-ness and kinda just kept going as friends, calling each other and stuff. Well he dated another girl, Alice, and it was ok, she was there, I wasn�t, though she wasn�t like me at all, which was weird. But anyway, that�s completely to the side, I wasn�t upset at all.
But it was a Tuesday in October when I got the call from him, something along the lines of �Hey Laur, it�s me, I just wanted to give ya a ring, so go ahead and call me back when you get this.� He didn�t sound particularly upset, I mean he sounded fine even. Well, I didn�t call him back, I wrote an essay, I finished my school work far too late to call him and, well I just didn�t do it. I hadn�t felt too bad until I realized months later that the last words before that was me yelling at him and saying �you don�t understand half the words that come out of my mouth.�
So the next day I was called out of class, to the front office, there was a phone waiting. I picked it up and it was Ryan�s mother, she managed to babble something about Ryan, and killing himself with a shotgun and vicodin, though she said she had to go right then. The phone line ended. I hadn�t said a word besides �hello?� It was horrible, I cried once that day, but I tried to stay strong so I didn�t cry anymore.
I got the rest of the news that night, the details that was. I was rather terrified. Especially when his mother told me they were moving back, it took me by complete surprise, in fact she mentioned that they were going to tell Ryan, but they wanted to wait until that Friday and had a special dinner.
I know he hated Montana, I mean granted I didn�t think he�d kill himself over it, I knew he hated that place. And I also know he didn�t love Alice, and I also knew that he needed out, bad. They didn�t tell him, and that�s horrible, I can�t help but wonder to this day whether or not he would have gone through with it had he been told. I miss him, and every year on October 26th I do something to commemorate him, whether it be just thinking of him, crying once, or wearing black. I miss him, a lot. It only got worse as I wasn�t allowed to miss my semester finals, and tests I had paid for, so I couldn�t go to his funeral. They buried him in Montana. How dare they. I mean they�re his parents, shouldn�t they know? Well they didn�t, and now he lays in Montana, under a big blue sky, but still.
I still miss him, and I know I repeated that and all, but I do. I really was in love with him, as juvenile and non-real as it was, I think your mind can fool you into those sorts of things. But I�m ok with it now, I mean it�s a sensitive subject, but I can talk about it without crying, most days. And I think you should know that, I hate crying, it just screams weak to me, screams it. But I�ve managed to mostly get over it, and it doesn�t affect my relationships negatively at this point that I notice. I still love him, even though he�s gone, but I�ve let that go. I even stopped wearing the ring he gave to me, first diamonds ever owned, and I was 14 or something, crazy. Either way though, that�s Ryan, a sweetheart, a cute boy, a genius. So I might mention him every once and a while, and hopefully you can put together who Ryan is. Maybe I�ll make more sense then.
Signing off--Lauren
