late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

12:47 p.m. | 2006-03-17
You Will Always Be the Same

Pause and take a breath. Close your eyes and just hold -- relax for a second. Let go of all those god damned things. I know it's kind of zen to ask but...I can't think of a better way.

I found a note in my pocket while doing laundry the other day. I pulled it out and carefully unfolded it (it must have been washed once already). It held my handwriting on a piece of line paper I had pulled out of my notebook months ago. It reminded me of so many things. I remember how I sat next to his brother and how right now I'd give anything but to have this dagger in my heart.

The only solution for he and I is a thousand miles. The only way I'll ever forget and the only way I'll ever be able to get over him in another thousand miles -- maybe even an ocean -- between us. Because while I can know he doesn't love me anymore and I can remember how he hurt me I still couldn't breathe when he said he'd met someone else.

I started plotting their demise that moment. I started to calculate how long it would be until I could have him back in my arms (I haven't had this for over a year and I still believe it's possible, I'm hopeful if anything). I pulled myself so deep back into what I used to feel and think that when I lifted my head I felt cheated realizing it would never happen.

I won't be happy until I rid myself of him. He makes me what I am but I cannot be associated with that anymore. I cannot let him hold me back from everything I can be.

The next two weeks will put me on trial. They will test my skills and abilities and push me just about as far as I can go -- can I go that far? I sure hope so.

Wish me luck.

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