10:04 p.m. | 2005-10-04
Where I've Ended Up On This Glaring Random Day
I feel like failure in these cold days.
My hand holds a glass of red ('98 zin from napa). I baked banana bread and hoagie rolls. I cried a lot. So typical, right? So just fucking on par for who and what I am.
I'm sick of being typical. I'm sick of doing what I'm supposed to and falling to pieces just like I always have. I'm sick of everything being the same again. I had an entire day off and I essentially got nothing accomplished.
My hair is greasy and my playlist is labeled "sad." I watched a tv show tonight (comedy) that reminded me of someone so much that I almost broke down crying again (and proceeded to when he didn't answer his phone). And that song, that god damned song. I feel like everytime I press "next" and go onto something new it's that same song. That song that talks about longing, and wanting, and just such horrible things.
But maybe you'll be there.
It's not that I'm sad. Or upset, or depressed, or any of those things. It's not that I'm permanently broken. It's that I'm lonely.
You start to go stir crazy after a month or so of never doing anything, of missing everyone ever, and you eventually just give up and break. I haven't seen a movie in over a year. I haven't been out to dinner with a friend in two months or more. I haven't gone to a party in more than that. I haven't had any fun since July.
Somedays I am just such a waste of space.
