11:17 a.m. | 2005-06-10
I Ended Up With Pockets Full of Dust
I went through this phase where I fell asleep on the phone every night for a few weeks. I fell asleep to his sweet voice, two-thousand miles away, telling me that he missed me and that he was sorry he ever got the chance to go away. Sometimes I would pretend to fall asleep just so I could hear him breathing, desperate to stay awake to hear me. One night it turned to confession. He called my name quietly to make sure I was sleeping, and I wasn't, and he sighed.
"I love you so much Lauren it almost hurts. Being thousands of miles away is only something I have begun to swallow, let alone deal with. It's moments like this, after we have torn each other to pieces out of upset because we're separated, that I really begin to realize that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, that I want to marry you, and that I'm not even going to get the chance to see you for another year if not more. I want to have you smile back at me when we wake up and I want to take our kids to the zoo. But I'm so deathly afraid that me going away will mean I'll never get that chance."
I started to whimper and almost sob a little, but stifled my cries and heard him slowly drift off to sleep, his breathing getting more even, recognizing the sounds that I had slept next to for months. Once I hung up I just lay there and stared at my ceiling. I couldn't cry loudly because my roommates were feet away, but I wanted to bang on walls and let it all out for once. Instead I turned over and covered my pillow in melted mascara and tears.
I haven't talked to him in 6 days. It's been that long since he said those words to me, and that long since he attempted to call me back. I gave him a few days of silence, and then would call and leave sweet messages just hoping that he was alright, telling him that I loved him and cared for him and just wanted to know if he was ok. I still haven't gotten a call back.
It's sad that we both can feel the exact same way, so enamored with each other, and yet can't admit it to the other's face anymore, and continue to be stubborn enough to let thousands of miles come between us.
I miss him.
